In a move that has left political analysts and comedians alike scratching their heads, the Prime Minister has unveiled a bold new strategy to tackle the nation’s most pressing issues: pretending they don’t exist.
At a press conference that one attendee likened to a philosophical debate with an empty chair, the Prime Minister stood confidently before the media, beaming with a sense of self-assurance that only comes with total detachment from reality.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he began, “after careful consideration and consultation with my most trusted advisors, I have devised a revolutionary approach to the myriad challenges we face as a nation. It’s simple, effective, and best of all, it requires absolutely no effort. From now on, we shall embrace the power of willful ignorance.”
The plan, dubbed “Project Ostrich,” outlines a series of steps that include rebranding the now-defunct Ministry of Problem Solving as the Ministry of Blatant Denial, and retraining crisis management teams to practice the art of selective blindness. Officials will now be encouraged to respond to any and all inquiries about national issues with a casual shrug and a cheerful “What crisis?”
Critics of the administration have been swift to voice their disbelief, noting that the new plan seems strangely akin to their previous approach, but the Prime Minister insists this represents a fresh and innovative pivot in policy.
“We’ve spent far too long burdened by facts and accountability,” he explained. “By simply choosing to ignore problems, we free ourselves from the crippling chains of responsibility. Imagine the mental clarity that comes with forgetting there’s a hole in the roof while it rains—not to mention the whimsical fun of pretending you’re just getting an indoor shower.”
The announcement, unsurprisingly, was met with a mixed reaction. Some members of the press appeared moments away from spontaneous combustion as they tried to reconcile the statements with logic, while others remained convinced they had inadvertently become part of a surreal reality TV show where the government enacts decisions from a novelty idea jar.
Undeterred by a barrage of questions or the rapidly-spinning eyes of a nearby assistant from the Ministry of Common Sense, the Prime Minister concluded, “We look forward to a future where unaddressed problems simply sort themselves out—perhaps with the help of fairies or an interdimensional void. Rest assured, the nation is in the complacency of more imaginary solutions.”
As reporters strolled out of the briefing room, one could be heard quipping that it indeed felt like Schrodinger was the true Prime Minister—able to exist in a state of solving and not solving crises simultaneously. Others suggested they might begin ignoring deadlines and hope stories write themselves.
While no one is quite sure how this plans plays out, what is evident is that it’s an intriguing chapter for political historians, or at the very least, an entertaining plot for the next great political satire.