In a surprising move that left astrologers and political analysts equally shook, the Prime Minister held an emergency press conference today to unveil a ground-breaking policy initiative: from now on, anything and everything that goes wrong will be blamed on Mercury being in retrograde. This announcement comes just days after criticism grew around the surprisingly high budget that was allocated for “universal bootlace replacement” and other derailed projects due to unforeseen celestial influences.
“After extensive consultations with top astronomers, astrologists, tarot card readers, and even my Aunt Millicent who swears by her lunar calendar, we’ve devised a reliable scapegoat strategy. It’s innovative, it’s universal, and best of all, it’s always right,” declared the Prime Minister, looking exceedingly proud and slightly ethereal, the kind of glow usually reserved for lunar eclipses.
For those not in the celestial know, Mercury retrograde is a period that occurs roughly three to four times a year when the planet Mercury appears to be moving backward in the sky. It’s historically blamed for causing all kinds of life’s mishaps from communication breakdowns and travel disruptions to lost keys and accidentally sending your boss a risqué meme.
“We’ve tried blaming the economy, the weather, and that one guy who leaves passive-aggressive notes in the staff kitchenette, but nothing sticks quite like retrograde Mercury,” the Prime Minister explained. “Plus, it’s the only entity that doesn’t yell back or file a complaint.”
This bold political pivot soon prompted a flurry of reactions. Supporters, spotting a new opportunity in never having to take responsibility for their missed appointments and awkward office encounters, welcomed the policy with open arms and conveniently forgot to thank the Prime Minister, citing – you guessed it – Mercury.
Critics, however, quickly pointed out a potential flaw in the plan: “What happens when Mercury goes direct?” they asked, a question which caused a brief moment of silence at the press conference. The Prime Minister, not one to be caught astral-ly off-guard, quickly quipped, “Mars, at that point, we just shift blame to Mars. When Mars is in retrograde, everything is about inner anger and aggression… so really it’s perfect timing for parliamentary debates.”
National businesses have already begun capitalizing on the new strategy. Just this morning, a leading tech company has announced a new line of “Mercury Retrograde-Proof” smartphones, which promise not to randomly dial your ex or delete that perfectly crafted picture you took at your cousin’s wedding right before the cake fight.
Meanwhile, internet service providers have reported a rise in downloads of Mercury retrograde tracking apps, causing difficulties with servers, a situation whose irony was noted by nearly everyone involved and, of course, blamed on Mercury.
As the nation adjusts to this esoteric shift in accountability, the Prime Minister is reportedly working on incorporating astrology further into political processes. Pilot programs are testing the impact of replacing focus groups with tarot readings while negotiations with other nations may soon rely on which country has superior star sign compatibility.
As the cosmic dust settles on this latest governmental manoeuvre, one thing is certain: in the age of political spin, Mercury’s orbit is one that will ensure everything is back in vogue.