In a revelation that’s sent both environmentalists and conspiracy theorists into a frenzy, a local arborist has claimed that pine trees have been secretly collaborating with UFOs to boost global oxygen levels. Brad Woodson, a self-proclaimed tree-whisperer from Ormskirk, insists he’s been in telepathic contact with these coniferous co-conspirators and their extraterrestrial associates for years.
According to Woodson, the pact involves UFOs providing the trees with hyper-efficient photosynthesis technology in exchange for all the world’s pinecones, which are apparently made of a rare material called ‘Pinecronium’ that’s highly coveted across the galaxy. “It’s a win-win,” explained Woodson in an exclusive interview. “We get more oxygen, and they get what essentially amounts to interstellar nachos.”
Skeptics, however, remain dubious. Local skepticism enthusiast, Martha Knuckles, retorted, “I’ve seen Brad talking to trees, which in itself is a bit odd, but getting intergalactic advice from them takes the cake. Also, shouldn’t we be more worried that extraterrestrials consider Earth a snack depot?”
Despite the skepticism, Woodson is undeterred. He claims to have witnessed UFOs darting over the pine woods, leaving behind a mysterious green glow. “The glow is a sign,” he explained. “It’s like the trees are waving goodbye to their cones as they’re beamed aboard the mothership. It’s quite emotional.”
Woodson further detailed the mechanics of this collaboration, suggesting that the UFOs hovered above the forests at night, sending down beams that enhance the trees’ chlorophyll production by 300%. This, in turn, raises global oxygen levels just enough to keep us healthy but not enough to dramatically alter weather patterns. “It’s a careful balancing act,” Woodson assured, drawing a complex flow chart on a napkin he found in his pocket, which he claims was “cosmically infused” with important data.
While mainstream scientists have not commented on this theory, local oxygen levels support group leader, Betty Furter, said, “It’s refreshing, quite literally, to think there may be an otherworldly plan in play. I mean, what if the answer to climate change has been hidden in our pine trees all along?”
The town of Ormskirk, now dubbed by some as ‘The Galactic Forest Hub,’ is considering a festival to celebrate this newfound fame. Ideas floated include ‘The Pinecone Parade’ and an alien dress-up contest where participants wrap themselves in tinfoil and shout “Take me to your Arborist!” at random intervals.
In the meantime, Brad Woodson is doubling down on his claims, stating, “I’m just an ordinary arborist, trying to let the world know that pine trees and aliens are our unsung heroes. Together, they’re saving the planet, one pinecone at a time.” Whether true or not, his dedication and passion for higher-than-average oxygen levels are, if anything, breath-taking.