In an unprecedented move aimed at boosting morale and engagement, the British Parliament has announced a radical change to its weekly tradition by replacing Prime Minister’s Questions (PMQs) with a spirited session of National Bingo. The House of Commons is now the House of Calls, and MPs have exchanged their political points-scoring strategies for daubers and bingo sheets.
Gone are the days of robust debates, heated exchanges, and the occasional flustered flapping of parliamentary papers. The once tumultuous chamber now resonates with cries of “Full house!” and “Legs eleven!” as dignified members of parliament enthusiastically participate in a national pastime more commonly associated with village halls and seaside piers.
Wearing an appropriately themed dapper dauber bowtie, Speaker of the House, Sir Lindsay Hoyle, has taken on the new role of “Bingo Caller-in-Chief.” He says his primary job now is to ensure order while juggling an impressive collection of bingo lingo, such as reminding MPs that “two fat ladies” and “dirty knees” are perfectly proper and parliamentary.
Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, no stranger to high-stakes negotiations, took to his bingo card with finesse, adopting a new strategy of strategic silence that some suspect is a trial run for next year’s budget. “I’ll take any format where I can still yell ‘order’ while dodging obscure questions about the economy,” Sunak stated, winking towards the camera. “Plus, I’m absolutely smashing it at number-hunting, which seems metaphorically appropriate.”
The Leader of the Opposition, Keir Starmer, found an unexpected passion, quickly becoming the chamber’s dark horse. “I’ve trained my political career towards the pursuit of order and justice, but I’ve now found my true calling,” he admitted with a subtle grin after shouting “bingo” at record speed during a particularly thrilling round. “Who knew the key to Parliamentary success would be deciphering 88 on a card?”
The transition has been widely embraced, with many MPs embracing the challenge through day-glo bingo accessories. Several Cabinet members were spotted discussing policies over a cozy spread of biscuits and decaf tea, while the Minister for Culture lamented being ever so slightly pipped to win a seasonal prize of a novelty gavel.
Critics, however, remain steadfast in their concern. One anonymous backbencher quietly maintains that it is difficult to implement a nuanced climate strategy by frantically ticking numbers off a sheet. But for most, National Bingo has brought a breath of fresh air to Westminster’s hallowed halls.
Audience engagement metrics for PMQs have skyrocketed, with citizens tuning in across the UK. Local community centers have reported a rise in attendees who gather to play along remotely via state-of-the-art bingo synchronization technology.
Meanwhile, betting markets have opened for those interested in predicting the next National Bingo outcome, with rumors swirling that renowned bingo enthusiasts from around the globe are keeping a hawk-eye on the proceedings, looking to capitalize on Westminster’s innovative approach to governance.
While the long-term political implications of these surprising developments remain to be seen, the consensus is clear: National Bingo in the House of Commons is a hit, transforming a notorious weekly spectacle of political jousting into the country’s most anticipated party game.
By all accounts, one thing is sure: every Wednesday at midday, Westminster is now in full dab mode, and Britain’s love for this classic game shows no signs of waning.