In an unprecedented move to streamline decision-making processes and inject a bit of fun into politics, the UK Parliament has voted to replace traditional debates with high-stakes games of rock-paper-scissors. Supporters of the initiative argue that it will not only speed up cumbersome legislative proceedings but also provide much-needed entertainment for the general public.
The proposal, initially tabled as a joke by an anonymous backbencher, quickly gained traction after several MPs realized they couldn’t remember the last time a debate actually changed anyone’s mind. “Let’s face it,” said one enthusiastic MP, “at least with rock-paper-scissors, everyone’s actually paying attention.”
The decision was made official during a historic session that ironically concluded with—what else?—a rock-paper-scissors face-off. Tradition-loving MPs initially resisted, lamenting the potential loss of eloquent speeches and vigorous intellectual discussions. However, they were outvoted by the more practically-minded members who were tired of sleeping through 8-hour debates just to eventually default to whatever the party whip wanted.
Not everyone is thrilled with the change. A spokesperson for arithmetically-inclined committee chairs expressed concerns about the integrity of the new process: “We did the math, and apparently the odds of a tie are pretty high! What happens then? Another round? We’re looking at potential policy decisions being made after a best-of-nineteen series!”
To prepare for their new duties, MPs are reportedly receiving intense training sessions with former school playground champions. Coaching focuses on strategies like “double bluffing” and “the deceptive twitch,” a move designed to confuse opponents by switching gestures at the very last second. Meanwhile, older MPs have started brushing up on YouTube tutorials, marvelling at the invention of the internet along the way.
Critics have lambasted the plan as a dumbing down of political discourse, but proponents insist it is merely a reflection of modern-day democracy. The public, they argue, will finally have a chance to witness direct representation, watching their elected officials “scissors” social issues into solutions or “rock” the vote based on pure chance.
To bring transparency to the proceedings, all matches will be live-streamed on the new dedicated channel, “Parli-Games,” attracting sponsorship deals from various sporting goods brands and snack manufacturers. Political commentators have already dubbed the best-of-three system the “Triumph of Chad,” in homage to the underappreciated versatility of paper.
As anticipation builds, bookies are setting odds on which MPs will rise to the top of this unique power struggle. History is in the making, folks, or at least in the flipping, flopping, and snipping. Whether this revolutionary system will prove a stroke of genius or just another parliamentary paper jam remains to be seen. One thing is certain: the future of UK politics is officially in the hands of those who aren’t afraid to crumple it up, cover it, or cut it down to size.