In a move that has left the entire nation both amused and bemused, the esteemed members of the UK Parliament have deemed it necessary to dedicate an entire session to the much-debated topic: whether biscuits should be taxed as luxury goods. As the biscuit tin was ceremoniously passed around the House of Commons, spirited debates ensued, with MPs dipping into both the tea and the crux of the issue.
Leading the charge was Sir Geoffrey Dunkerton, MP for Crumbshire-upon-Tea, who argued vehemently that the biscuit is indeed a cornerstone of the British diet and should not be subjected to what he termed “confectionery discrimination.” Sir Geoffrey, clutching a custard cream with the fervor of a knight gripping Excalibur, declared, “For too long, biscuits have been the backbone of British society, providing solace in trying times and extra crumbs in the sofas of our hearts.” His sentiments were met with thunderous applause by those who had already devoured their share of the complimentary biscuits.
On the opposite end of the digestive spectrum was Lady Henrietta Fancypants, MP for Wealthindaleshire, who insisted that the more extravagant varieties of biscuits—such as chocolate-covered truffles and artisanal oat-and-fig delights—should indeed carry a luxury tax. “A Tesco value Rich Tea, I concede, feeds the masses,” intoned Lady Fancypants in her plummiest tones, “but a hand-baked Moroccan saffron macaroon with a champagne glaze? That, dear colleagues, is an extravagance worthy of taxation!”
The debate grew crumblier as Andrew Garibaldi, an independent MP from Biscuitborough, made a bold proposal. “Let’s base taxation on biscuit dunkability,” he suggested, seizing a half-dissolved bourbon. “A biscuit that withstands the rigors of a hot cuppa with dignity should not be taxed heavily. Let the soggy impostors be the ones to bear the burden of HMRC.”
As tempers flared and crumbs flew, the debate reached a veritable crescendo when an anonymous MP notoriously called the “Biscuit Bandit” attempted to make off with the entire stash of parliamentary Jammie Dodgers. Her efforts were foiled by a security team adeptly trained in the art of biscuit-based interception, leading to the quip-worthy headline “Biscuit Heist Foiled: Jammie Maverick Nabbed!”
Ultimately, the motion was suspended after it spiraled into a hilariously contentious argument over whether Jaffa Cakes were biscuits or cakes, a debate that has torn families and Christmas teas apart for generations. In an unprecedented show of unity, the MPs voted to put the matter to a nationwide referendum, aptly dubbed “The Brexit Biscuitums,” ensuring that the Great British Public would have the final crumb—erm—say.
As we await the outcome, one thing remains certain: whether a luxury good or a humble treat, the biscuit will forever remain a cherished part of British life. Until the results are in, let us all take a moment to enjoy our biscuits with extra jam, clotted cream, or tax-free tranquility—at least for now.