In a groundbreaking revelation that could shake the very foundation of trendy wellness routines, a new study has revealed that kale facials may cause an alarming side effect: uncontrollable smugness. Hailed as the leafy elixir of life by health enthusiasts and salad lovers alike, kale has now found its way from the plate to the pores, with unexpected social consequences.
According to researchers at the Institute of Mildly Absurd Findings, individuals indulging in kale facials could experience a peculiar surge in self-satisfaction, often accompanied by a compulsive need to inform everyone within a three-mile radius about their superior lifestyle choices. Symptoms include holding one’s nose higher than usual, adopting a yoga pose in casual conversation, and a sudden inclination to start sentences with “As someone who uses kale facials…”
In an interview, lead researcher Dr. Vera Green noted, “While kale facials might leave your skin detoxified, they also apparently detoxify humility from your personality. Our findings indicate that the chlorophyll-induced glow does wonders for the epidermis, but it’s the psychological aftermath that’s truly remarkable.”
Test subjects reported a range of reactions. Sarah Bland, a 34-year-old yoga instructor and avid kale facial enthusiast, confessed, “After my third facial, I couldn’t stop telling people about my sense of inner peace and superior detoxification processes. Honestly, it’s like my chakras grew a megaphone.”
Concerned roommates, partners, and unfortunate bystanders are being advised to wear earplugs and sunglasses to shield against incessant proclamations and the accompanying kale glow.
Not all is lost for sapient kale connoisseurs, however. The study discovered that offsetting the kale-induced smugness might be as simple as pairing the facial with a comedy podcast or a basic life lesson in humility, like failing at assembling an IKEA chair.
In response to the study, beauty businesses are already cashing in, offering smugness reduction treatments alongside kale facials. These treatments include a gentle reality check serum and modesty-enhancing scented candles.
So, next time you’re tempted to slap a handful of kale on your face in pursuit of dermal bliss, remember: with great glow comes great responsibility. Balance is key, and as Dr. Green advises, “Perhaps try using kale the old-fashioned way—just eat it.”