Brussels, Belgium – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the tech industry, the European Commission has introduced a new directive requiring all technology startups to apply for formal permission before engaging in any form of innovation. The directive, titled “Innovation Regulation Act 2024”, outlines a rigorous application process, and according to early estimates, the approval process will take a minimum of seven years.
“Innovation Needs to Be Controlled”
In a statement released earlier this week, Commissioner for Bureaucratic Efficiency, Helga Papertrail, explained the reasoning behind the new directive. “We believe that innovation is a powerful tool, but left unchecked, it can lead to disorder and chaos. Think about it: what if people invented things faster than we can regulate them? It’s anarchy waiting to happen.”
According to Papertrail, the commission’s goal is to ensure that any new technological developments are carefully vetted for potential risks—such as excessive convenience, reduction in paperwork, or the possibility of people using less fax paper. “We simply cannot have technology running rampant without proper oversight,” she added. “This way, we ensure that any breakthrough in innovation meets the strict standards of European tradition and regulation.”
The 7-Year Approval Process
Tech startups hoping to introduce any new product, service, or even the faintest hint of a “disruptive idea” must now submit a 1,200-page application outlining their innovation, accompanied by an analysis of how their idea fits into a world that still uses typewriters. Applications must be submitted to the European Department of Innovation Permission and Paper Clips (EDIPPC), where they will undergo a multi-phase review process.
Here’s a breakdown of the process:
- Initial Submission (1 year) – Startups submit their applications, which will be lost in the system at least twice before they are formally acknowledged.
- Preliminary Assessment (2 years) – A panel of experts—none of whom have worked in tech since the 1990s—will review the proposal and assess its potential threat to existing bureaucracy.
- Public Consultation (1 year) – The public will be invited to share their concerns about the innovation, particularly focusing on whether the new technology will make anything “too convenient” or reduce the need for excessive form-filling.
- Final Review (3 years) – A thorough examination of the innovation’s environmental, societal, and bureaucratic impact will take place, during which the startup’s founders are encouraged to sit tight, start another business, or retire.
Reaction from the Tech Industry
Unsurprisingly, the tech industry’s response to the directive has been less than enthusiastic. Tech startups across Europe have voiced concerns that the directive will stifle innovation, making it nearly impossible for new ideas to reach the market in a timely fashion.
“It’s absurd,” said Oliver Codewright, founder of the startup SwiftlyTech, which specializes in developing cutting-edge artificial intelligence tools. “By the time our application is approved, AI will have evolved so far that we’ll be submitting holograms of ourselves to explain the outdated nature of our original idea. This directive is like asking someone to get permission to invent the wheel after horses have already gone extinct.”
Other startup founders expressed similar frustrations. “We were working on a blockchain-based app to streamline government paperwork,” said Ana Byte, CEO of BlockBureau, a company focused on government digitization. “But after reading this new directive, we’re worried that the EU will require us to submit the paperwork by fax machine first. It’s like trying to drag a boulder uphill while riding a bicycle backwards.”
Support from Traditionalists
Despite the uproar in the tech community, the directive has found support from some quarters. A group of bureaucrats who describe themselves as “Lovers of Forms and Filing Cabinets” has praised the move, with their spokesperson stating, “Innovation without regulation is like a filing cabinet with an unlabelled drawer—pure chaos. This directive ensures that innovation only happens in ways that preserve the sanctity of red tape.”
The Future of Innovation in Europe
As the directive comes into effect, many fear that Europe will lose its competitive edge in the global tech race. Critics argue that the seven-year approval process will leave European startups hopelessly behind their counterparts in Silicon Valley, where the concept of “asking for permission” is met with confusion and mild amusement.
However, Commissioner Papertrail remains unfazed. “True innovation can wait,” she said confidently. “If an idea can’t survive seven years of waiting, then was it really an idea worth having? We believe this process will help filter out the fads and ensure only the finest, most bureaucratically sound innovations come to fruition.”
As European startups brace for a future filled with forms, it seems the only thing being innovated quickly these days is the paperwork required to innovate at all.