In a twist that could send shockwaves through kitchen taps and bottled water brands across the globe, scientists from the prestigious Really Important Institute of Science announced their groundbreaking discovery yesterday evening: water contains calories. Yes, you heard that right—calories. The very thing that everyone thought was devoid of the sneaky numbers that ruin diets faster than you can say “cheat day.”
The discovery came after a particularly spirited game of who-can-think-up-the-ridiculous-research-idea-this-week among a group of scientists who had accidentally combined a spectrometer with a curious bit of leftover birthday cake. “Frankly, we were astounded,” said Dr. Ima Jest, lead researcher of the project. “We always thought water was the one thing we could enjoy without consequence. But it seems even our old friend H2O has been harboring a dirty little secret.”
Naturally, this has left the nation—and the world—in a state of turmoil. Health-conscious Instagram influencers have been forced to rethink their constant reminders to “drink eight glasses a day.” Some are even going so far as to replace their go-to hydration sources with kale smoothies, carbonated air, or just licking particularly dewy leaves of grass.
To further investigate, our reporters reached out to a local water enthusiast—a.k.a. a regular person. “I can’t believe it,” said tap-water aficionado Sally Drips while flushing her Camelbak hydration pack down the sink. “What’s next? Does air have carbs?”
But don’t cancel your hydration plans just yet. In an exclusive follow-up revelation, scientists have clarified that while water does indeed contain calories, it’s roughly on par with the calorific content of a sneeze in a hurricane. “Technically, we’re talking about 0.0002 calories per gallon,” Dr. Jest admitted sheepishly, eventually confessing the whole thing may have been an exaggeration prompted by too much coffee and not enough sleep.
Regardless, panic has ensued. Diners across the country are demanding calorie counts on water menus alongside their glorified cucumber-infused favourites. Meanwhile, enterprising restaurants are introducing a ‘low-calorie’ water range, banking on the fact that there will always be someone willing to pay extra for the privilege.
In an effort to calm the nation’s nerves, celebrities have taken to social media with water-related charity campaigns. Alyssa Iced, an A-list actress, started a trending hashtag campaign #StayHydratedAnyway, encouraging the world to embrace water despite the negligible calorie content. “If I can balance it with my daily celery stick, you can too,” she tweeted supportively.
Ultimately, this sensational discovery serves as a poignant reminder not to take anything for granted—even the things we thought we knew. For now, we can rest easy knowing that while everything else may pile on the calories, we still won’t be busting a belt notch after sipping on an ice-cold glass of Britain’s finest tap water. Cheers to that—crispy and calorie-rich as it may now be assumed!