In a bold move to revitalize British politics, Members of Parliament have announced an innovative approach to resolving legislative conflicts: a nationwide Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament. Dubbed “RPS Initiatives for Change,” this dynamic strategy aims to settle disputes in a uniquely British way—by avoiding direct confrontation and making decisions based on a game of chance.
The proposal, spearheaded by the recently formed “Committee of Unconventional Thinking” (CUT), has already garnered mixed reactions. “We’ve tried negotiation, we’ve tried debate, and when all else fails, we’ve tried yelling at each other across the chamber,” said Sir Tristan Tossington, chair of CUT. “What do we have to lose? Except maybe a few matches to the ‘scissors-happy’ MPs.”
Official rules were unveiled after a rigorous planning session that lasted approximately three cups of tea. MPs will gather once a week in Westminster’s newly redecorated “Arena of Decision-Making,” freshly remodeled from its previous incarnation as a slightly musty conference room. The arena features plush seating, ambient lighting, and a live DJ to keep spirits up, perhaps introducing dubstep to the world of governance.
The format is straightforward: contentious issues will be settled in a best-of-three Rock-Paper-Scissors matchup. In case of a tie across three games—an occurrence that could prolong a session past the afternoon tea—a sudden death round involving “Lizard-Spock” may be invoked to decisively break the deadlock. Researchers were reportedly consulted to confirm that “Lizard-Spock” is indeed a scientifically sound method for conflict resolution.
Critics have been quick to point out potential drawbacks. “While my opponent suggests incompetent leadership, I suppose simply switching from policies to Papyrus is rather fitting,” scoffed one shadow minister. Furthermore, there are immediate concerns about possible game-fixing scandals, especially among MPs with deep connections in the Rock-Paper-Scissors industrial complex.
However, supporters assure the public that measures are in place to prevent any ‘RPS-Rigging’. Every game will be surveilled by an impartial arbiter – an 83-year-old retired competitive hand model known only as “The Wrist”. Furthermore, each game will be live-streamed, with pundits from the newly employed BBC channel, “Scrutiny in Seconds”, providing breathless commentary.
Critics argue that the real flaw in the system might be a power imbalance between parties; Conservatives are rumored to overwhelmingly select ‘rock’, while Labour prefers ‘paper’. The Liberal Democrats, not surprisingly, tend toward a neutral ‘scissors’, cutting deals opportunistically with the losing side.
Public response has been one of amusement and cautious optimism. “At least it’s not as stressful as watching Prime Minister’s Questions,” commented one Londoner, enjoying his pint while watching a practice match projected on the side of Buckingham Palace.
In an unexpected twist, CUT has revealed plans to hold a grand championship involving politicians from all EU countries. “What better way to bring everyone together than a bit of friendly hand-to-hand combat?” quipped Tossington, who quickly specified that all combat would indeed remain metaphorical.
Only time will tell if this bold experiment will bring order to the chaos, but one thing’s for sure: British politics might just become more entertaining than ever. As they say, when the chips are down, and the scissors are out, may the best strategy win.