Cardiff, UK – In what can only be described as an extreme yet somewhat relatable response to modern social pressures, a local man has faked his own death to avoid being added to yet another group chat. The man, 34-year-old Simon Haines, reportedly reached breaking point after being invited to his tenth WhatsApp group of the week, prompting him to take drastic action.
The Final Straw
Friends and family say Simon, a digital marketing consultant, had been overwhelmed by the sheer number of group chats he had been dragged into. From birthday planning and football banter to endless memes and “inspirational quotes” from long-lost relatives, Simon’s phone was constantly buzzing with notifications.
“It was getting ridiculous,” said his best friend, Tom Jackson. “I’d invited him to this new group chat for our pub quiz team, and that’s when it happened. He just went pale and said, ‘I can’t take this anymore.’ The next thing I know, I get a message from his ‘estate’ saying he’d passed away.”
Simon’s official cause of death, according to the heartfelt message, was a rare and mysterious ailment known as “Notification Fatigue.”
An Elaborate Escape Plan
Rather than simply ignoring the invite or leaving the chat (which he reportedly considered too socially awkward), Simon took things a step further. According to sources, he spent an entire weekend crafting a fake obituary, even setting up an auto-reply email that solemnly informed any incoming group chat invitations that “Simon has passed on and is no longer available for group discussions.”
His plan didn’t stop there. In a particularly committed move, Simon hired an actor to play the role of a distant cousin who delivered the tragic news to his office via Zoom. “It was a bit much,” admitted one of his coworkers. “But honestly, I get it. I’ve been roped into so many chats about ‘catching up soon’ that I’d consider faking my own death too.”
Family and Friends Left Stunned
At first, Simon’s close friends were understandably devastated by the news. “I was heartbroken,” said his sister, Jane. “I mean, I’d just added him to our family group chat to plan mum’s birthday. I thought he’d want to be involved. But then, I noticed something strange… He was still liking memes on Instagram.”
Jane quickly became suspicious when Simon “accidentally” tagged himself in a post just days after his supposed death. “I messaged him directly, and to my surprise, he replied with, ‘Sorry, I can’t talk right now. I’m dead.’ That’s when I knew he was still alive, just avoiding group chats.”
A New Lease on Life (Minus the Group Chats)
Since his “death,” Simon has enjoyed what he calls “the most peaceful week of his life.” With no new group chat invitations flooding his phone, he has reportedly spent his days in quiet solitude, binge-watching TV shows and finally catching up on hobbies he’d long forgotten, like painting and napping.
“I don’t regret it,” Simon confessed in an anonymous interview, his voice disguised to maintain the illusion of his demise. “I know it’s a bit extreme, but I just couldn’t take the constant stream of messages anymore. I’m still alive in spirit, but in the digital world, I’m a ghost—and it’s bliss.”
Despite his newfound freedom, Simon remains cautious about revealing his whereabouts. Rumors have circulated that he may be planning a fake resurrection in time for his favourite sports team’s group chat to restart next season, but for now, he’s enjoying his status as a digital recluse.
Group Chat Epidemic?
Simon’s story has sparked debate on social media, with many people admitting they too have felt the pressure of endless group chat notifications. “It’s like a digital nightmare,” said one Twitter user. “I’ve been added to five chats this month, and I don’t even know half the people in them.”
Experts have even begun warning of a new phenomenon called “Group Chat Burnout Syndrome,” a condition that leaves people feeling exhausted from the constant notifications and expectations of participation.
Dr. Nina Scroll, a leading expert in digital psychology, explained, “Group chats are meant to bring people together, but when you’re in 20 different ones discussing everything from dinner plans to last weekend’s game, it becomes overwhelming. It’s no wonder some people are taking extreme measures.”
The Future of Group Chats
In the wake of Simon’s digital demise, many have started to reconsider the way they use group chats. Several of his friends have vowed to cut back on unnecessary invites, while others have adopted Simon’s method, albeit in less extreme ways, like turning off notifications or setting their phones to “Do Not Disturb” mode.
For now, Simon’s legacy lives on as a cautionary tale for anyone thinking about adding someone to yet another group chat without their explicit consent. As for Simon himself, he remains in hiding, reportedly enjoying a peaceful existence free from the pings and dings of digital life.
“I’m not saying everyone should fake their own death,” Simon said in a final, cryptic message. “But if you ever see me online, no you didn’t.”
In related news, his family is still trying to figure out how to plan his mother’s birthday without him.
