In an unprecedented move that has left local wildlife and residents both bemused and teary-eyed, a well-known oak tree in Maplewood Park has announced plans to retire. The tree, affectionately known as Old Branch, declared this week that after decades of service producing oxygen and providing a home to countless squirrels, it intends to take a step back and enjoy its golden years.
“After approximately 120 years of photosynthesizing rain or shine, I think it’s time I let the younger saplings take over,” Old Branch said during an exclusive interview conducted via rustling leaves and squirrel chatter. “I’ve always believed in giving back to the community—be it by offering shade during summer heatwaves or occasionally housing hyperactive squirrels. Now, I want to focus on my own wellbeing, perhaps indulge in some long naps and reflect on my contribution to the ecosystem.”
The retirement plan reportedly includes a slow transition to lower oxygen output, hoping that nearby vegetation will step up to fill the gap. Old Branch also emphasized the importance of “leaving a legacy,” expressing hopes that future generations will remember it for both its sturdy trunk and the annual squirrel acrobatics shows it hosted.
Park visitors have been quick to express mixed feelings. “I’ve climbed that tree since I was a kid,” said local resident Harriet Puddle. “It supported my weight—and my dreams. It’s sad to see it step back, but it’s earned it.”
Squirrels, on the other hand, appeared slightly confused but supportive. One particularly energetic squirrel, named Twitch, was overheard mumbling, “Who’s going to throw the best branch parties now?”
In light of the announcement, local authorities have proposed a “Tree Retirement Festival,” featuring leaf-raking contests, squirrel obstacle courses, and a community potluck under Old Branch’s canopy. Meanwhile, arborists are looking into offering wellness checks and gentle pruning sessions to help Old Branch enjoy its retirement in comfort.
As the sun sets behind Maplewood Park, it seems one enduring oak is preparing to hang up its green hat, proving that even trees know when it’s time to slow down and enjoy the fruits—or should we say, acorns—of a long life.