In a truly groundbreaking moment for workplace technology, the local company’s humble tech helpdesk received what is being hailed as the most desperate and optimistic request in its history. The ticket, submitted late Tuesday afternoon by a frazzled mid-level manager named Derek, requested that the office printer be reprogrammed to print nothing but positive performance reviews.
“I was just about to print out last quarter’s review notes when it hit me,” Derek explained between frantic typing and coffee sipping. “Why waste toner on negativity? If the printer only spits out good news, maybe people will just believe it’s true.”
The helpdesk, suitably baffled but always up for a challenge, verified Derek’s request: did he mean he wanted the printer to filter out negative words like ‘underperforming,’ ‘needs improvement,’ and ‘lack of initiative’? Did he want to install software that would automatically reword reports to sound like a team of cheerleaders? Derek confirmed all of the above with a hopeful smile.
Technician Sarah, the lead on the ticket, tried to keep a straight face as she analyzed the problem. “Technically, yes, we could rewrite the printer’s firmware to replace any negative words with positive ones. But would that not defeat the entire purpose of a performance review? And also, the HR department might have opinions.”
Derek was undeterred. “Look, I figured it would save everyone time, boost morale, reduce paper waste because no one will argue or print revised copies, and honestly, maybe the printer just needs a little optimism in its life.”
The ticket remains open as of press time. Early attempts to implement a ‘Positive Print Mode’ resulted in the printer issuing blank pages followed by an error message: “Internal Disbelief Detected. Unable to Comply.” Meanwhile, HR has requested an emergency meeting about ‘the integrity of employee feedback processes’ and the IT department is considering adding a ‘sarcasm filter.’
Insiders speculate that this helpdesk request might inspire a new wave of office innovations, including coffee machines that only brew ‘motivational espresso’ and email filters that replace ‘deadline missed’ with ‘creative timeline’ automatically. Either way, Derek’s ticket has certainly injected some much-needed levity into the tech support queue.