Cardiff, UK – In what can only be described as a breakthrough in the art of avoiding responsibility, a local man has successfully convinced his family, friends, and even his internet service provider that the root cause of his painfully slow Wi-Fi is none other than Mercury being in retrograde.
The Cosmic Conundrum
Dave Starling, 34, first noticed his Wi-Fi slowing to a crawl last Tuesday when he attempted to stream the latest episode of his favorite show. After rebooting the router, unplugging it for 10 seconds, and even sacrificing a packet of biscuits to the tech gods, Dave was at his wit’s end. That’s when inspiration—or perhaps desperation—struck.
“My wife was asking why the Wi-Fi was so slow, and honestly, I had no idea,” Dave explained. “But then I remembered seeing something on Facebook about Mercury being in retrograde and how it messes up everything. So I thought, why not? I told her, ‘It’s not the router, love. It’s Mercury. It’s in retrograde.'”
To Dave’s surprise, the explanation was accepted without question. His wife, an avid horoscope reader, nodded in understanding, muttering something about how that also explained why her hair wouldn’t cooperate that morning.
The Stars Align
Encouraged by his success, Dave expanded his theory. At work the next day, when questioned about his late email responses and failure to upload a report on time, he confidently blamed the planetary phenomenon. “I said, ‘Sorry, boss, but with Mercury in retrograde, the internet is just acting up.’ And would you believe it, he bought it! He even said he had been having similar issues at home.”
Word of Dave’s cosmic excuse quickly spread, and before long, he found himself the go-to guy for anyone in his neighborhood experiencing tech troubles. “My neighbor came over asking if I could help fix his broadband, and I just shook my head and said, ‘Mercury, mate. It’s in retrograde. Nothing you can do.’ He looked at me like I was some kind of sage.”
The ISP’s Astrological Awakening
The real test came when Dave decided to call his internet service provider to complain about the slow speeds. Armed with his newfound celestial knowledge, he braced for the usual runaround. But instead, when he casually mentioned Mercury’s retrograde phase as a possible explanation, the customer service representative hesitated and then replied, “You know, we’ve been getting a lot of calls like this recently. There might be something to that.”
Stunned, Dave listened as the representative assured him that the company was “looking into potential cosmic interference” and that service would likely improve once Mercury returned to its normal orbit.
A New Age of Tech Support
Since then, Dave has been riding high on his success. His Wi-Fi remains slow, but his frustration has turned to pride as he watches his excuse gain traction. “It’s amazing, really,” he said. “I used to dread calling tech support, but now I just mention Mercury, and they back off. It’s like I’ve hacked the system.”
Astrologers, however, have been quick to distance themselves from the trend. “Mercury retrograde is often blamed for communication mishaps, but there’s no scientific evidence it affects Wi-Fi,” said one noted astrologer. “But hey, if it works for him, who am I to judge?”
As for Dave, he has no plans to stop using his planetary excuse anytime soon. “Next time the car won’t start, or the TV remote stops working, you know where I’m pointing the finger,” he said with a grin. “Thanks, Mercury. You’re my scapegoat for life.”
The only question left now is whether his cosmic excuse will hold up when Mercury finally leaves retrograde—or if Dave will be forced to find a new astrological alibi. For now, though, it seems the stars have truly aligned in his favor.
