In what experts are calling “the most polite grievance of the year,” a local man has submitted a helpdesk ticket requesting that the air be renamed from “Fresh Breeze” to something more accurate following a particularly grisly morning commute smog incident.
The man, who prefers to remain anonymous to avoid any smog-related reprisals, calmly logged into the city council’s online helpdesk system at 8:03 a.m. after enduring the daily ritual of inhaling what he described as “a satisfactory blend of exhaust fumes, questionable scents from the hot dog stand, and the subtle aroma of burnt rubber.” His official complaint stated that the air currently labeled as ‘Fresh Breeze’ should be reconsidered and suggested alternatives included “Gray Gloom,” “Choking Cloud,” or “Morning Miasma.”
“I’d like to formally request that we rebrand the air,” he wrote, “as it seems misleading to call it fresh when it tastes like a chemical factory salad.”
The helpdesk team responded within 45 minutes with typical bureaucratic efficiency, forwarding the ticket to the Department of Atmospheric Naming Conventions (DANC), whose job mostly involves deciding if council buildings should be called “Central Hub” or “Main Complex.” A spokesperson for DANC said, “We appreciate the creativity but must stay within established nomenclature guidelines. However, we encourage citizens to keep submitting tickets about air quality—it reminds us to turn on the office air conditioning.”
Local commuters reacted with mixed emotions to the ticket. One cyclist commented, “It’s nice to know someone noticed; I just thought the coughing fit was my body apologizing for staying outside too long.” A bus driver offered, “Next, he’ll want us to rename traffic jams ‘Scenic Routes.’”
Meanwhile, the ticket remains open and active, and the man has promised to keep submitting follow-ups until at least one representative agrees that “Fresh Breeze” might be “generously optimistic.”
At press time, the weather report indicated a 90% chance of “Eau de Exhaust,” so the man’s ticket might need amending to include a new name for rain as well.