In what is being hailed as the most ambitious attempt at green technology confusion this year, a local man has submitted a helpdesk ticket alleging that his reusable shopping bag is actually an “environmental time machine” stuck in a malfunctioning loop.
The man, identified only as Dave from Eastborough, contacted the IT support team of his neighborhood co-op after repeatedly trying to “send himself to the past to undo last week’s leftover broccoli purchase.” According to the ticket notes, Dave claimed that every time he placed his plastic-free bag near the checkout scanner and whispered “Take me back,” nothing happened. Frustrated, he concluded the bag’s “time-travel circuitry” was broken and sought urgent assistance.
Helpdesk analyst Tina responded promptly, advising Dave that while the store’s Wi-Fi was experiencing minor outages that day, the reusable bag was not connected to any digital network and, therefore, definitely not a time machine. She kindly suggested he try using a calendar or a diary “for his environmental adventures.”
Unfazed, Dave replied that the bag “must be in stealth mode” and requested a firmware update or at least “a reboot sequence.” At this point, Tina escalated the ticket to the department head, who gently recommended that Dave might find more success at a science fiction convention or with his local magician.
The incident has sparked a mild social media buzz, with many applauding Dave’s inventive approach to reducing plastic waste, even if his methods are “a little ahead of their time.” Meanwhile, environmental experts suggest that the best way to travel through time—at least in matters of eco-consciousness—is still good old-fashioned planning and perhaps resisting the urge to talk to inanimate objects at grocery checkouts.
Dave has since closed his ticket, reporting that he “decided to stop trying to rewrite history and just bring the reusable bag every time.” He also joked about inventing a solar-powered lunchbox next, so fingers crossed for the next dispatch from Eastborough’s inventive mind.