In the quaint town of Nottingtonville, local legend Bob “The Dodger” Thompson has achieved what many believed was impossible. After cleverly sidestepping gym membership sales tactics for an astonishing seven years, he has officially set a new world record, outmaneuvering even the most persistent of fitness center associates.
It all began in late 2016 when Bob, a self-proclaimed “cardio-phobic,” stumbled upon a flyer for a free one-week gym trial at Flex-O-Rama Fitness. “I thought it was a brochure for a new deli,” recalls Bob, chuckling. “Imagine my surprise when I was offered a smoothie instead of a pastrami on rye.”
Realizing his error only after the smoothie was already in hand, Bob was immediately escorted to the gym’s “Motivation Zone” where bubbly sales rep, Chad Bicep, awaited. “Chad had a handshake that could crush walnuts and an enthusiasm for squats that bordered on zealotry,” Bob noted. The battle of wills began.
Within the first 10 minutes, Bob deployed his signature defense mechanism: the polite nod combined with strategically-timed, non-committal murmurs like “Interesting” and “I’ll definitely think about it.” For most mortals, this tactic would buy a few minutes at best, but Bob was just warming up.
Over the course of years, Bob employed a variety of evasive techniques. He feigned interest in workouts that didn’t exist, such as the “Kangaroo Kick” and “Cabbage Curl,” which left sales reps bewildered and grasping for straws. Bob even went as far as to invent a fictitious allergy to gym equipment, dubbed “Metallicus aversionitis,” leaving Flex-o-Rama’s team stumped and concerned.
Chad, undeterred, equipped himself with a rotating arsenal of promotional strategies. From offering “Bring a Friend Day” to enticing Bob with “Free Protein Muffins Monday,” nothing seemed to stick. Bob resisted steadfastly, attributing his stamina to a rigorous training regime of Netflix marathons and power naps.
As the years rolled past, Bob’s legendary status grew within the community. People started gathering outside Flex-O-Rama, placing bets on how long he could maintain his undefeated streak. Local merchants even began offering Bob free snacks for every successful dodge, effectively turning his anti-gym crusade into a full-time occupation.
When the official record was announced, the town threw a celebration at Bob’s favorite, and ironically named, establishment—the BBQ Pit Stop. In a moving ceremony, the Mayor of Nottingtonville awarded Bob with a golden couch trophy, complete with a plaque that read “Achieving the Impossible from the Comfort of Home.”
Bob, however, remains humble. “I’m just glad to have inspired others,” he said, holding aloft a commemorative remote control. “So remember, when life hands you gym memberships, graciously decline and order takeout.”
And with that, Bob “The Dodger” Thompson quietly resumed his greatest passion: figuring out how to turn dodging gym offers into an Olympic sport. Here’s hoping it catches on—after all, we’re always in need of more gold-medal-worthy snackers.