Local fitness enthusiast and self-proclaimed “running connoisseur,” Phil Perkins, has caused quite a stir in the running community this week. Having recently participated in the annual Greendale Charity Marathon, Phil has taken to social media to express his dissatisfaction with the marathon’s length, describing it as “just too short.”
Interviewed in his modest home gym, nestled between an unused treadmill and a cat practising downward dog on a yoga mat, Phil elaborated on his unexpected grievance. “I was just getting into my stride at mile 26,” he lamented, gesturing animatedly with a protein shake in hand. “I mean, come on! Just when I found my rhythm, it’s all over? It’s like ordering a large pizza and only getting one slice. Who does that?”
Phil claims he was fueled by the energy gels, the sound of supportive spectators, and his playlist of motivational 80s rock ballads that, unfortunately, ran longer than the marathon itself. “I still had Eye of the Tiger, Final Countdown, and Don’t Stop Me Now queued up,” sighed Phil. “By the time I hit that anticlimactic finish line, I was just starting to really feel like Rocky.”
While most runners at the event were content with crossing the line and collapsing immediately for selfie opportunities, Phil, in stark contrast, crossed his arms and surveyed officials with a look of determined intent, reportedly even jogging back and forth while waiting for an audience with the marathon director.
The Greendale Charity Marathon organizers, somewhat bemused by Phil’s feedback, are considering potential changes. “We’re always open to constructive criticism,” stated marathon director Jenny Glenn. “But adding another 26.2 miles may be a stretch, quite literally. Maybe he should consider a triathlon? They’re a bit longer, and you get to swim and cycle too. Two birds with one stone, if you ask me.”
Not one to back down, Phil has also launched a petition to add at least another “Macarena mile” or two to future marathons, though his choice of name remains as divisive as his controversial demand. Supporters, some of whom have suggested introducing coffee and snack stations at regular intervals—”You know, to keep us going”—are rallying behind his cause, sharing the petition with the hashtag #MakeMarathonsLongerButGimmeSnacksToo.
Despite the mixed reactions, Phil remains hopeful that his campaign will gain traction. “Life’s a marathon, not a sprint,” he mused philosophically. “So why not make marathons a bit longer? It’s better for the individual, better for the community, and heck, it’s even better for my Spotify playlist! It’s a win-win!”
For now, Phil’s vision for a never-ending marathon remains a pipe dream, but in Greendale, and elsewhere, who knows? Longer marathons could just be the next big thing. In the meantime, Phil is already training for his next feat: the first ever Greendale Ultra-Ultra Marathon—distance still to be determined, but will surely delight Phil’s fan club and keep Spotify engineers on their toes updating his playlist for maximum inspiration.