In a bold and bewildering move, Beans & Brews, the beloved local cafe known for its artisanal blends and hipster vibes, has unveiled a new latte flavor that’s already causing quite a stir among regulars. The new concoction, dubbed the “Existential Espresso,” promises a taste experience that customers describe as “eerily reminiscent of regret,” “like a hug from your own life choices,” and “a bittersweet reminder of that time I didn’t call my mom back.”
Barista and self-proclaimed “flavor psychologist” Jenny Mornings explained the inspiration behind the drink. “We wanted to create something that goes beyond the usual vanilla or caramel syrup. Life is complex, and so should coffee be. This latte is infused with a proprietary blend of dark roast beans, a hint of burnt caramel, and just a splash of the realization that you probably spent too much money on avocado toast last month.”
Early tasters report an intriguing sensory experience. One customer, local artist Dave “Doodles” Henderson, claimed the latte brought him face-to-face with “the crushing weight of all my artistic failures in one warm, creamy mouthful.” Another, office worker Theresa Finch, said it was “like sipping on the memory of all those emails I didn’t send but definitely should have.”
Critics have been baffled but intrigued. Food blogger and caffeine connoisseur Millie Brewster commented, “It’s not for everyone, but for those who appreciate a nuanced coffee that makes you reflect on your life choices—this is revolutionary.” Meanwhile, a nearby senior center has reportedly banned the latte, citing concerns that it causes “too much thinking.”
The cafe is marketing the Existential Espresso as perfect for Monday mornings, quarterly review meetings, and any moment when you feel the urge to ponder the meaning of your existence while jittering on caffeine. Beans & Brews hopes this adventurous blend will spark conversation, contemplation, and perhaps a little laughter among patrons.
So next time you feel like your usual latte just isn’t cutting it, why not order a cup of regret served steaming hot? At Beans & Brews, that’s the flavor of the future—or at least, the flavor of “what have I done?”