When Tim “Starhopper” Jenkins, the local astronaut and part-time beekeeper from Sheffield, recently embarked on a routine lunar reconnaissance mission, he was prepared for many things — spectacular views, zero-gravity coffee spills, and maybe even moon cheese crumbs in his helmet. What he wasn’t prepared for, however, was the complete and utter WiFi failure that turned his once-in-a-lifetime trip into what he described as “an interstellar episode of buffering hell.”
Midway through his orbit around the moon, Tim noticed that his data stream — important stuff like live updates from Earth’s cat meme channels and work emails titled “Re: Urgent — Please Read” — was inexplicably dropping out. Concerned that this might be a glitch in his fancy space suit’s satellite uplink, he tried to reboot his helmet’s comms and even waved the onboard tablet at the Earth like a frantic barista signaling for a takeaway order. Nothing worked.
So, in a move that will make customer service historians proud, Tim launched a helpdesk ticket with the Space Agency’s IT department. Incident report #40442 reads:
“I have realized the moon is just a giant rock. No Starbucks, no ethernet ports, and definitely no WiFi signal here. Please advise ASAP. Might have to start sending smoke signals or space pigeons. Also, can someone come pick me up? This ping is killing me.”
The helpdesk promptly responded with a classic mix of sympathy and sarcasm: “Thank you for bringing this to our attention, Tim. Unfortunately, our engineers confirmed that lunar WiFi coverage is limited due to the moon’s rocky composition and 384,400 km distance from Earth. We recommend downloading all streaming content before departure. As for the transportation issue, we’re sending a rover with some spare LTE boosters. Expect delays due to meteor showers and space traffic.”
Tim’s plight has quickly turned him into an overnight legend within astronaut circles, inspiring a new hashtag #MoonNoMoFi and prompting the Agency to allegedly consider investing in lunar WiFi hotspots — potentially powered by solar-powered hamsters, or so the rumor mill says.
Meanwhile, back in Sheffield, Tim is reportedly trying to get a good signal from his garden shed, contemplating if bees could be coaxed into relaying messages back to Earth.
One thing’s for sure: space exploration might be glamorous, but it’s also painfully dependent on solid internet. And the moon? It’s just a rock with zero bars.