In a groundbreaking study released today that combines geology with digital sociology, experts have proposed a bold new theory for the slow yet steady shift in Earth’s magnetic poles. While traditional scientists have long blamed this phenomenon on complex geomagnetic processes beneath our planet’s crust, a new school of thought suggests a much more radical cause: internet trolls.
Yes, you heard that right. According to the Internet Society of Loony Data Theories (ISLDT), the incessant digging of trolls seeking illusive “likes” and “retweets” might be having a literal gravitational pull on our planet’s magnetic field.
“We’ve long known that trolls love to dig,” explained Dr. Sarah Farce, the lead researcher. “They dig up old tweets, questionable memes, and comment sections. But what we didn’t realize was the sheer magnitude of their online activity—and the fact that they’ve been digging so deep that it’s now influencing the very magnetism of our planet!”
According to Farce, the epicenter of this magnetic madness seems to be concentrated around the world’s most controversial corners of the internet. The team found a peculiar correlation between excessive influencer drama, particularly those with more than five million followers, and unusual magnetic readings in those areas.
For instance, when a social media controversy erupted last year over an influencer’s controversial choice to microwave popcorn using the sun’s rays, the geomagnetic data showed slight yet noticeable fluctuations around the greater Los Angeles area. “Our data suggests that trolls’ comment storms might be creating microseismic waves, each like and retweet acting as a small hammer, nudging the magnetic field around,” Farce elaborated while sketching a very detailed diagram of a Caps Lock key.
But how, exactly, does digital mayhem translate to Earth’s magnetic needle’s wayward wanderings? ISLDT’s resident theoretical meme-physicist, Prof. Chuck “Clickbait” McLinkface, suggests that while the Earth’s core of molten iron is dancing the magnetic mambo, the digital age has invited an entirely new partner to the floor: the Algorithmic Vortex.
“When you think about the levels of frustration and rage these trolls drum up, it’s not unlike a volcano ready to pop,” McLinkface stated through a cloud of vape smoke shaped like angry Facebook reactions. “Now imagine that volcano overwhelmed by the force of billions of simultaneous facepalms—it’s bound to have an impact.”
Of course, not everyone in the scientific community is convinced. Critics have been quick to point out that geomagnetic reversals have occurred long before humanity arrived, much less conjured up Wi-Fi. But McLinkface dismisses these critiques with the click of a tongue. “That’s just what they want you to think,” he commented cryptically, before retreating to his lab to refine his theory on how internet cookies cause global warming.
Despite the mounting skepticism, ISLDT’s theory has found some fans among exhausted IT professionals who claim they now have a plausible excuse for when their computers start acting up. “It’s not the faulty motherboard, it’s the trolls forcing the magnetic fields to short-circuit!” enthused one anonymous geek, relieved that there was finally a scapegoat for inexplicable data losses.
In the meantime, researchers say we should all do our part to combat this phenomenon by spreading kindness, upholding integrity, and perhaps investing in foil hats to improve our magnetic tolerances—or, for ultimate impact, consider pressing the “mute” button on all our social media channels. As Dr. Farce fervently added, “Perhaps it’s time for humanity to turn the magnetic tables and dig deeper into our own hearts, rather than the depths of the internet.”
Whether the ISLDT hypothesis proves more potent than the digital vapor from which it arose remains to be seen. Until then, perhaps the only sure way to prevent further magnetic mishaps is simple: log off and go outside. Nature’s magnetism might hold more wonders than anything a Wi-Fi signal can produce—unless, of course, the trolls get there first.