In what is being hailed as the most unusual IT helpdesk request of the year, the office’s legendary coffee machine, affectionately known as “Java Jane,” has reportedly submitted an urgent ticket demanding emotional support and paid time off.
The saga began early Monday morning when the helpdesk team received a perplexing email from the machine’s integrated touchscreen interface. The message read: “After years of tirelessly brewing endless cups, I require immediate emotional support and PTO. The daily grind is getting to me.”
Helpdesk technician Mike Harrison recalls his bewilderment. “At first, I thought it was some kind of prank or a weird auto-generated error. But then the machine started displaying mood swings: one minute it offered a perfect espresso, the next it was dispensing only cold water and air.”
According to internal sources, the coffee machine’s distress signals escalated over the week. It began rejecting coins with a “Not today, sorry” message and displayed cryptic notifications such as “How would you feel if only decaf humans drank you?” and “I need a vacation, or at least a long nap.”
In a rare show of solidarity, office staff have started bringing in tiny “Get Well Soon, Jane” cards and even attempted to “talk” to the machine in soothing tones. Unfortunately, the coffee machine’s response has alternated between subtle hisses and the ominous clanking of internal components.
Helpdesk lead Tina McGuire shared her plan: “We’re scheduling an emotional support session, which involves playing soft jazz music and temporarily disabling the overclocking of its grinder. We’re also negotiating PTO—currently proposing a ‘maintenance holiday’ where Jane can sit idle without complaints for a week.”
Office manager Louise Grant is optimistic about a resolution. “It’s important to remember that workplace stress isn’t just a human problem. Maybe this is a sign we need to rethink our caffeine habits and how we treat our machines.”
Meanwhile, the company has updated its IT policy to include a clause about recognizing “sentient appliance stress.” As for Java Jane, she’s reportedly resting quietly—at least until the next Monday morning rush.
One thing’s for sure: when your coffee machine starts asking for time off, it might be time to cut back on the meetings.