**In a Surprising Turn of Events, Hackers Form Union, Demand Better Working Hours and Free Antivirus Subscriptions**
In a bold and unexpected move that has left both IT departments and illicit online marketplaces in shock, the world’s hackers have collectively formed a union: the International Brotherhood of Anomalous Laptop Lurkers (IBALL). Known for their taste for mystery, these digital magicians are usually as covert as a chameleon in a box of Skittles. But now, they’ve united to demand better working conditions, proving once and for all that even hackers need a healthy work-life balance.
The decision came after a series of high-stakes Zoom calls, where members discussed the intolerable 47-hour workdays and the constant, unrelenting evolution of cybersecurity protocols. During these clandestine meetings, held under code names such as Neo Nomad93 and WiFryFiend, hackers collectively sighed as they realized the futility of their solitary struggles against the stubbornly rapid patches being released by software companies.
“We’re constantly evolving our skills,” lamented one hacker, who wished to remain anonymous but accidentally introduced themselves as “B4R1staByte”. “Instead of crafting the perfect ransomware, we’re spending too much time keeping up with two-factor authentication. If this keeps up, none of us will have time to binge all the shows we wanted to pirate in the first place.”
One prominent issue raised by the IBALL is the grueling working hours. Hackers have said that they are often required to work through both the standard business hours to disrupt operations and the evening hours when network defenses are supposedly down. “It’s just not sustainable,” a spokesperson asserted. “We used to dream of controlling the markets and digital currencies, but we’re all too exhausted to even rob a virtual bank efficiently.”
Adding to their grievances, the IBALL is insisting on free antivirus subscriptions for all its members. This demand has left cyber-security software producers scratching their heads. But hackers defend their position, stating that just because they know how to bypass these defenses doesn’t mean they should go without protection. “Do doctors stop wearing masks in the OR just because they know what germs are?” pondered another hacker rhetorically, his voice dripping with facetious wisdom.
The unionization caught major corporations by surprise and has forced them to reconsider their cybersecurity strategies. Leading tech companies have begun offering hackers complimentary spa vouchers in a desperate attempt to avoid becoming the next headline scandal.
Governments worldwide also couldn’t help but weigh in on the situation. The British government, always quick to respond with an air of politeness and a cuppa, suggested that a weekly “Mindfulness and Hacking” seminar series be held to manage stress. Meanwhile, the American government is considering measures to draft the union into a mandatory Cyber Peace Corps, a misguided attempt to match white-hats with black-hats in the age-old tango of digital warfare.
Whether this movement will bring lasting change to the subculture of hacking remains to be seen. However, one thing is certain: as hackers march on in their mission for better rights, the rest of the world takes vigilant note, their data and antivirus protections in one hand, and laughter at the sheer apt absurdity of it all, in the other.
For now, you might want to double-check that your password isn’t “password.” You know… just in case.