In what cybersecurity experts are calling “the most ironic hack of the century,” a group of hackers known as “The Keystone Cyber Kops” have managed to encrypt not only their target’s data but also their own, leaving them scrabbling for answers — and ransom funds.
The cybercriminals, who reportedly intended to infiltrate the systems of a major multinational sock company (because who doesn’t love a bizarrely niche crime?), mistakenly caused a digital havoc on their own backdoor servers. In a wild twist, the only person capable of deciphering the chaos they unleashed was a coder from Nebraska who declined the role, citing that he was “on a tight deadline for his Dungeons & Dragons campaign.”
Thus, the panic-stricken hackers turned to what they knew best — demanding a ransom from themselves. They sent a sternly worded email to their own inbox demanding “174 Bitcoin, 300,000 shares of Dogecoin, and all available memecoins related to Elon Musk’s pets to be paid by midnight on Friday, or else… whatever it is we do happens.”
The email, unintended for publication, was leaked to the public when one hacker accidentally uploaded it as a PDF to Reddit, mistaking the platform for their encrypted secure cloud storage. This blunder quickly went viral, prompting varied reactions worldwide.
“I, for one, welcome our self-defeating tech overlords,” commented a user named CryptoKnight420 in a massive Reddit thread discussing the fiasco.
“I can’t help but empathize. Last week, I accidentally locked myself out of my apartment for three days,” said Karen from the accounts department of the very sock company targeted, who learned of the story during a failed attempt to access her company email.
In a bizarre attempt to raise the ransom money, the hackers have reportedly hosted an emergency Zoom yard sale featuring hacker-themed memorabilia, such as a signed Guy Fawkes mask, an unused Bitcoin mining kit, and “limited edition” floppy disks with unsolvable puzzles from the ’90s.
“Nobody wants to buy our thingamajigs,” lamented Dreadnought, one of the hackers, passionately offering attendees a virtual hug for just 0.001 Ethereum. “Turns out, nostalgia is not a currency.”
Meanwhile, the original sock company target has ironically benefited from the debacle. Due to a sudden spike in visibility and sympathy sales, they’ve pledged to donate 1,000 brightly colored socks to a tech therapy group focusing on developing “healthy digital boundaries.”
As Friday’s midnight deadline looms, the cybercriminals face a last-minute choice: work alongside tech support or admit to tech inadequacy and abandon ship.
As one meme floating around Twitter puts it: “When a hacker hacks himself, does he become the hackee? Tech support wants to know!”
And thus, the tale of the ransom that backfired continues to captivate netizens, providing more fuel for the fire that is 2023’s ongoing IT comedy festival.