In a stunning and unprecedented development that has left the world of cybercrime in shock, a global consortium of hackers, calling themselves “The 404 Retirement Club,” announced their decision to retire from hacking altogether. Their reason? An acute case of password fatigue.
At a press conference conducted via a hastily configured Zoom call, the hackers, each represented by an avatar of a cat wearing sunglasses, expressed their frustration at the sheer volume of passwords they’ve had to remember over the years.
“Look, when we started out, it was just two or three passwords,” confessed one hacker, who identified himself only by a lowercase “g” with a tilde. “Mom’s birthday, ‘12345,’ and ‘Password.’ But now? You need a cipher and Rosetta Stone just to remember what you used for your MySpace account.”
The hackers described their lives as a never-ending parade of sticky notes and secure password manager subscriptions—a life they no longer wish to lead.
“Every time there’s a new data breach, people are reminded to change their passwords, and our notebook just keeps getting thicker,” lamented another hacker, known simply as “!nfiN!ty.” “It’s like an endless cycle of forgetfulness. You think we keep up with this for fun?”
In an attempt to stay organized, one member of the club tried using a mnemonic device where he equated each password to different varieties of cheese. This only plunged him into deeper chaos when he started dreaming of brie every time he accessed his banking information.
The group unanimously agreed that the advent of two-factor authentication was the final straw, turning their criminal endeavors into a never-ending math problem.
An anonymous spokesperson for The 404 Retirement Club stated, “We really had to take a step back and ask ourselves—what’s this all for? It’s hard to feel like an elite hacker when your daily life revolves around deciphering hieroglyphs you created a year ago.”
As an unexpected act of goodwill, the hackers generously released a list of newly-suggested passwords to the public, advising them to be replaced swiftly: “gullible1”, “nopassword”, and “abcde.”
While cybersecurity experts hesitated to celebrate too soon, they admitted there might be a lesson here for everyone on the benefits of passphrases and password managers. Some even speculated that this mass exodus of talent from the dark web might spark a chain reaction, leading hackers worldwide to embrace less stressful hobbies, like knitting or extreme candle-making.
Despite their exhaustion, the former cybercriminals proudly stated they intend to spend their retirement practicing mindfulness, adopting rescue cats, and in a surprising twist, considering future employment in IT: as advisors on “how not to manage passwords.”
As the Zoom call ended in a chorus of “wait, what’s the password to log out again?” the world was left wondering if this is a new age of redemption or simply a slow march toward hacker-assisted oblivion.