In an unprecedented twist of cyber events, local hacker Gary “ZeroCool” Thompson found himself caught in a digital debacle of his own making. The seasoned keyboard warrior, known for his escapades into the databases of major corporations and occasionally scamming his way into free pizza, accidentally launched a cyberattack… on himself.
In an exclusive interview conducted from the dimly lit basement he calls his “command center,” Gary sheepishly explained the oversight: “I was gearing up for my biggest hack yet—taking the entirety of the Internet down for a day, as a healthy exercise in humility for society—but then things went, uh, a little awry.”
Instead of targeting the intended servers of the unnamed tech giant he had scoped out, Gary mistakenly redirected the malicious code toward his own system. Within seconds, his collection of vintage Pac-Man games, his meticulously curated meme library, and his beloved virtual pet, PixelPaws, had all succumbed to his own digital wrath.
“I’m not entirely at fault here,” Gary shrugged, looking slightly more flustered than usual, even for someone wearing mismatched socks with their hacker hoodie. “The Internet was feeling extra loopy that day. I blame the Ethernet cables acting like spaghetti noodles.”
Gary’s mishap sets a new precedent in the world of cybersecurity mishaps. Experts in the field are baffled by the case, with many speculating that it could simply be the first documented instance of what’s being informally named “Self-DoS”—a full-on denial of sanity.
In a statement released on his personal blog, Gary assured his followers that all was not lost. “I’ve managed to recover some critical files, like the blueprints for my personal snack robot and those embarrassing old school photos I was keeping for blackmail purposes,” he noted.
Support from the hacking community has been mixed. Some hackers have compassionately offered Gary a hand in restoring his digital realm, while others mockingly suggested he “hack back time” to prevent the fiasco. True to form, Gary took both criticism and support in stride, inviting anyone with snark to “hard reset their attitudes” before he hacks their playlists to play only yodeling music.
Despite the setback, Gary remains optimistic about the future. “I’ve got some exciting new ideas now,” he claims. “Like, what if I accidentally, on purpose, hack happiness into everyone’s life? The world could always use more existential confusion wrapped in a fluffy, virtual blanket.”
For now, Gary plans to regroup, reinstall his operating system, and maybe, just maybe, take a beginner’s course in cyber self-defense to avoid any future self-inflicted digital hijinks. As he put it, “Sometimes, the biggest challenge isn’t infiltrating Fort Knox—it’s keeping your firewall from roasting your own marshmallows.”