In an unprecedented move, the government has decided to tackle the nation’s cybersecurity threats with a method that even your grandmother can understand: the majestic “off and on again” reboot. Following a secret meeting that involved tea, biscuits, and at least two confused cats, top officials have now made it mandatory for all computers to be turned off and then back on for maximum safety.
The announcement came via a flash drive launched from a 19th-century trebuchet onto the lawn of every major tech company, signifying the start of a new era in digital security. Prime Ministerial Press Secretary Annette Wright was quoted saying, “After months of hiring experts, running simulations, and reading random Reddit threads, we concluded that nothing beefs up cybersecurity quite like the old switcheroo.”
Businesses nationwide have already started implementing the new protocol, often employing dedicated IT specialists whose sole role is flicking the switch on their computers and sometimes on the kettle for morale. Companies without an off-switch technician are now advertising for the crucial role, often requiring candidates to possess quick fingers, an excellent sense of timing, and the ability to refer to themselves as ‘Reboot Shepherds.’
Cybersecurity expert, Professor Nigel Turnip, has expressed both skepticism and mild amusement at the announcement. “Of course, rebooting a computer can solve problems,” Turnip stated while giggling through his cup of chamomile tea, “but it’s a bit like trying to fix your marriage with a nice lasagna. It’s comforting, sure, but probably not a long-term solution.”
The government insists that this strategy will protect confidential data, prevent unauthorized access, and boost productivity among tech support personnel by 200% (“Because now they get to reboot for a living,” explained Wright). The policy will be enforced by On-Off Officers or “OFOs” as they shall henceforth be known, who will roam the offices to ensure compliance. Anyone failing to adhere will face a fine—a fee which must be paid in the binary code format to symbolize understanding of basic computer functions.
In addition to standard office settings, schools will adopt the method to preserve their outdated PCs, while hospitals promise to only reboot non-life-support machines, reassuring the public that their loved one’s ventilator won’t suddenly be ranked second behind a routine software update.
Public reaction has been more varied than a packet of mixed nuts. Enthusiasts of spontaneous action find it empowering. “Finally, we’re applying common sense to technology,” said Barry McClick, an exuberant hobbyist coder. However, others caution that this might lead to a national surge in misplaced USB drives, as frustrated users stampede towards the system units in blind obedience.
Regardless of the outcome, the policy promises memorable moments and headlines. “If it gets people talking,” added Wright with a whimsical smile, “then they can talk while turning their devices off, and voilà! We solve two problems at once!”
Who knew cybersecurity solutions could be this…down to earth? For now, the new protocol is certain to redefine the IT landscape, one demolition-derby-style reboot at a time.