In an unprecedented move that has left IT departments across the nation nodding in half-amused agreement, the government has unveiled its latest cutting-edge cyber security measure: a mandatory national campaign to turn computers off and on again.
At a press conference widely attended by bemused journalists and weary IT workers, the Secretary of State for Digital, Culture, Media and Sport, Lesley “Startup Kid” Smithson, detailed the new protocol. “Following extensive research, we have discovered that turning computers off and on again can resolve approximately 97% of all technical issues,” announced Smithson, who proudly demonstrated the technique by power-cycling her own laptop, which was streaming a riveting hour-long documentary on how to grow organic kale.
The initiative, dubbed Reboot Britain, aims to bolster the country’s cybersecurity posture by reducing user-induced errors and, inadvertently, saving on electricity bills. The policy mandates that all government devices be switched off and on at least once a day, ideally before the first cup of morning tea or coffee to prevent anything from being done beforehand.
To ensure compliance, specially appointed “Reboot Officers” have been stationed in every department, tasked with enforcing the daily shutdown ritual. Their duties include watching employees sternly until they press the power button and occasionally leading morning chants of the mantra: “Reboot, refresh, revive!”
Critics argue that this simplistic approach is akin to using a teaspoon to bail out a flood, but the government maintains that it is a practical solution for an increasingly cyber-reliant society. “We have high hopes this policy will significantly reduce instances of cybercrime,” said Smithson, “or at the very least, cut down on tech support phone calls from confused employees.”
In response to concerns that constant rebooting could lead to a slight dip in productivity, a government spokesperson clarified that any potential downtime could be used for “patriotic silent reflection.”
Meanwhile, major corporations have quickly leaped onto the bandwagon, seeing potential monetary benefits in encouraging periodic system reboots. Stock prices of companies producing off buttons have surprisingly jumped overnight, while several new startups have already launched apps that remind users to perform their patriotic duty of rebooting their devices.
In homes across the nation, families are encouraged to get involved in the initiative too. One family, the Higginses of Barnsley, reported that since adopting the practice, they’ve experienced fewer family disputes over the “buffering circle of doom” during their Friday night streaming sessions.
While tech experts remain divided on the long-term efficacy of the policy, the public seems to have embraced it with characteristic British humour. T-shirts emblazoned with slogans like “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” are flying off the shelves, and a themed reboot festival, “Ctrl-Alt-Delete Fest,” is in the planning stages for early next year.
As the government rolls out its novel cyber defense strategy, Smithson assured citizens that they can rest easy knowing they are now at the forefront of the cyber war, armed with nothing more than the simple power of an off switch. Only time will tell if it’s enough to keep the country safe from cyber threats, one reboot at a time.