In an unprecedented triumph that sent shockwaves through the cackling community of conspiracy enthusiasts, the Flat Earth Society declared a monumental victory this week after meticulously scrutinizing sports equipment worldwide. Their latest breakthrough? Unveiling the alleged spherical deception of sports balls.
At a packed press conference held in an undisclosed location (partially because the organizers got lost navigating a “spherical” map), the Society’s self-proclaimed Chief of Realisms, Dr. Theo Retical, enthusiastically presented their latest findings to a crowd of eager enthusiasts.
“In a groundbreaking series of tests, we’ve proven that what the mainstream sheeple have long bought into about sports balls simply doesn’t hold up,” Dr. Retical proclaimed, proudly holding up a slightly deflated football for emphasis. “We’ve been told that these objects are round, but we’ve actually measured them to be closer in shape to irregular oblong spheroids!”
The report, conveniently typed using Comic Sans and featuring colorful graphs designed on MS Paint, illustrates how when deflated (due to normal wear and tear, accidental puncture, or simply ignoring the manufacturer’s guidelines), sports balls deviate dramatically from perfect circles.
“From footballs to basketballs and even tennis balls, they all fail to meet the rigorous spherical standards we mere mortals have been led to believe,” insisted Dr. Retical. “It’s mind-bending evidence that will flatten the very foundation of the supposed round Earth belief system!”
The presentation was supported by compelling testimonials from esteemed society members, including an anonymous football coach, who stated, “In my decades of inflating balls, not a single one was a perfect sphere.” Another testimonial from a local cat owner claimed, “All those toy balls get lost under my couch — proving they roll unpredictably!”
Naturally, the scientific community was quick to respond, with many experts eager to remind the public that measuring an object incorrectly does not invalidate its true geometric shape. Nonetheless, the Flat Earth Society remains undeterred.
Next on their agenda, Dr. Retical announced plans to challenge the conspiratorial ideology of ‘gravity,’ pointing out that items like Frisbees, which clearly demonstrate flight, directly contradict the whole “what goes up must come down” theory.
Meanwhile, professional sports leagues remain silent on the matter, perhaps contemplating the feasibility of adopting the Society’s groundbreaking ball measurement techniques to revolutionize gameplay forever. Imagine a world where football matches are played with concord-like shaped balls and Olympic shot puts are replaced with bean bags for a more accurate reflection of the “truth.”
The Society invites any and all skeptics to join them for their weekly Proof & Pancakes gathering. Attendees are encouraged to bring their curiosity, an open mind, and preferably, their own measuring tapes. After all, there’s always more debunking and breakfasting to be done in the pursuit of flattening Earth’s misconceptions— one sports ball at a time.