In a move as bold as his hairstyle choices, Elon Musk has reportedly bought every Thursday, creating the world’s first-ever-longer weekends. Sources close to the billionaire-turned-weekday-wrangler confirmed that his latest acquisition aims to pacify burned-out employees around the globe.
“Sundays come way too early,” Musk declared in a press conference where reporters sat on beanbag chairs shaped like Tesla cars. “I wanted to give everyone a little more time to recharge, think outside the box, or simply daydream about colonizing Mars.”
How the tech mogul managed to purchase an entire day of the week remains unclear. Some suspect it involves complex algorithms, a hefty dose of SpaceX rocket fuel, and possibly a Velociraptor or two. “It’s just what you’d expect from a man who’s convinced we live in a simulation,” said Dr. Ambrose Clockman, renowned temporal expert and full-time clock enthusiast.
In practice, Musk’s latest acquisition means people now experience the week as Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Fake Friday, Real Friday, Saturday, and the elusive Sunday. Employees from all over the world expressed their joy through euphoric tweets and overly professional LinkedIn posts. Marketing gurus are already brainstorming ideas for the ‘Prime Thursday’, ‘Preorder Thursday’, and the obvious ‘Crypto Thursday’ sales.
Fans of Musk have taken to the streets with “Thank God It’s Fake Friday” banners, although the decision has left the calendar industry scrambling. In a statement, the Association of Mildly Confused Calendarmakers admitted they’re “pretty panicked” but “overall impressed.”
Meanwhile, educators protest that this new weekly rhythm could disrupt school schedules. “Kids already think the remaining five weekdays are a myth,” declared Principal Timetable, head of the Global Alliance of Exhausted Teachers.
However, not everyone is thrilled. Garfield the cat, famed Mondays hater, now faces an existential crisis. “If every Thursday becomes the new Friday,” he pondered aloud in an Instagram Live press conference, “then what in lasagna is a Monday?”
The new time structure appears to restore the first documented weekend rut in human history: the Sunday night heist of joy by the arch-nemesis, Monday morning. In return, Musk assures the world that people will still feel the others looming, like inevitable philosophical puzzles left unfinished unopened cans of worms.
With astronomical plans (and corresponding egos), Elon continues his pursuit to reinvent the mundane patterns of life. So, don’t set your watches just yet, folks. Only time will tell if this extended weekend endeavor is the GOAT—Greatest of All Thursdays—initiative of our lifetime.