In a move that has left both Wall Street analysts and science fiction writers bewildered, tech entrepreneur and occasional interplanetary traveler Elon Musk has unveiled Tesla’s newest offering: a car that runs exclusively on the driver’s enthusiasm.
At a press event that featured pyrotechnics, interpretive dance, and a fully synchronized light show performed by drones, Musk introduced the world to the Tesla Model E, short for “Enthusiasm.” Gone are the days of worrying about fossil fuels, charging stations, or even solar panels. Instead, Tesla’s groundbreaking new vehicle transforms the driver’s sheer zest for life into pure vehicular power.
Standing before an audience of eager journalists and Tesla fans at the company’s headquarters in Palo Alto, Musk outlined the inspiration behind the ambitious project. “We’ve always been about pushing the boundaries of what a car can do,” he announced, sporting a T-shirt reading ‘Stay Charged, Stay Excited.’ “But this time, it’s not just about physics; it’s about metaphysics.”
Operating the Model E is deceptively simple. A patented sensor system embedded in the steering wheel and seats captures the driver’s emotional energy and correlates it to velocity. The happier and more enthusiastic you are, the faster you can go. Should you experience a bout of Monday morning blues or existential dread, the car conveniently stalls, inviting a refreshing bike ride to your destination or an impromptu therapy session with Siri.
Tesla’s team of engineers faced many challenges in creating the Enthusiasm Engine™, the most daunting of which was gauging different types of enthusiasm. A version initially tested with the public turned out to mistake indifference for zeal, which led to some unfortunate and underwhelming zero-to-sixty times. But after recalibrations, Musk assures that the Enthusiasm Engine™ can now distinguish between genuine excitement and that sarcastic “Whoopee” you exclaim after spilling your coffee.
In addition to its unique power system, the Model E comes with self-regeneration capabilities. Should the car detect waning enthusiasm levels during a road trip, it automatically triggers its “Joy-Infuser” mode, which plays an uplifting playlist featuring songs entirely about rainbows and sunshine. It may also deliver a selection of inspiring TED Talks via surround sound to get your emotional gears back in motion.
Early reviews are overwhelmingly positive—especially from Tesla’s core market of thrill-seeking tech aficionados and motivational speakers. However, some health experts express concern. “What happens when an owner hits a burnout or a breakup? Is the car just going to give up on them, like their ex did? I can’t imagine that being a good endorsement,” remarked a weary psychologist caught in traffic.
Meanwhile, car enthusiasts are already speculating on aftermarket modifications. Rumors are circulating of an “Electric Boogaloo” package that might include an enthusiasm amplifier for moments when you really, really need to make that green light—perfect for anyone who can muster genuine excitement over two-hour karaoke marathons or tax audit escapades.
As pre-orders skyrocket, Musk offered a parting message to the congregation of hopeful buyers and skeptical industry veterans. “In the future, cars won’t just take you places physically,” he declared, with a calm that only the man who once launched a car into space can possess. “They’ll take you places emotionally, too.”
And with that, Musk turned on his own Model E and zoomed into the distance, propelled, presumably, by infinite optimism and the knowledge that he will never be out of job titles to invent.