In a groundbreaking development that Elon Musk is probably kicking himself for not patenting, scientists have reportedly discovered that the intense anxiety experienced by electric car drivers, particularly when the battery gauge slides over to the “low” zone, can now be harnessed to power vehicles.
The study, conducted by top researchers at the University of Who On Earth Funded This, reveals that the heart-pounding anxiety attacks suffered by drivers are rich in nervous energy—a surprisingly potent resource that can now be converted into electricity through a highly complex process involving advanced engineering and several trips to IKEA.
Lead researcher Dr. Ima Joking explained the revolutionary technology: “In a typical anxiety episode, a driver’s body releases a cornucopia of energy in the form of rapid heartbeat, cold sweats, and frantic glances at the ever-shrinking battery percentage. We’ve developed a system to capture this raw panic and convert it into usable power. The key is sustaining the right level of terror.”
The system, which is patented under the acronym FEAR (Fueling Electric Automobiles Responsibly), ingeniously channels the existential dread of running out of battery on a deserted highway, away from the comforting glow of charging stations, into what researchers are calling ‘Eco-Friendly Existential Electricity.’
The rollout of this innovative anxiety-driven vehicle has not been without its hiccups. Early adopters reported minor side effects, including chronic nail-biting, a persistent feeling of impending doom, and a borderline unhealthy attachment to Google Maps. However, these are generally considered minor inconveniences compared to walking fifty miles to the nearest outlet in the middle of the night.
Car manufacturers are already jumping on the bandwagon, with new models coming equipped with transparency panels showing just how many kilowatts you’re generating while nervously pondering whether “12%” is enough to reach Aunt Marge’s house.
Tesla, as expected, plans to take it up a notch. Insiders say future versions of the Model Anxious will feature real-time streaming of drivers’ blood pressure and cortisol levels on the dashboard. For those who run out of nerves, a “Red Alert” mode will automatically project the face of their most disapproving relative or flash back snapshots of their last credit card bill.
Critics of the new energy source argue it may accelerate drivers’ descent into a life of stress-induced cardigan shopping and binge-watching calming ocean videos. In response, automakers propose future advancements where vehicles will briefly transform into mobile spas, offering aromatherapy and guided meditations at traffic lights—a whole new meaning to “spa on wheels.”
The brave new electric era looks bright, or at least sweat-soaked, as drivers nationwide prepare for upcoming editions of ScreamShuttle, WhimperWagon, and PanicPorsche—each vehicle a testament to humanity’s ability to turn any negative emotion into a cash-positive solution. And to think, all these years we’ve been told to chill out—thank goodness we finally found a use for our neurosis!