In an unexpected twist that has left the tech world both baffled and bemused, cybersecurity firm KeySecure announced it has gone 100 days without a single hack—after switching entirely to typewriters.
The company, known for its cutting-edge digital defenses, revealed that the decision to ditch computers and embrace the humble manual typewriter was made “out of sheer desperation and a minor caffeine-fueled meltdown” following a particularly invasive ransomware attack earlier this year.
CEO Linda Hammerstone explained: “We thought, if hackers can’t remotely access us, maybe they’ll get bored and move on. Plus, it’s a lot more fun banging away on a vintage Remington than typing emails on a glass screen all day.”
Employees have embraced the retro office vibe, complete with paper ribbons, carbon copies, and the occasional inevitable jammed key. Security analyst Toby Finch admits the transition hasn’t been entirely seamless. “Initially, it was hard to explain to clients that our ‘firewall’ is now literally a wall protecting a shelf full of typewriters. Also, the whole ‘sending documents by courier’ thing felt like stepping into a spy movie… only slower.”
Industry experts were quick to point out the obvious: hackers thrive on digital connectivity, so disconnecting from the internet is a surefire way to avoid cyberattacks. However, they caution against considering typewriters as a long-term cybersecurity strategy, noting that modern work demands can’t be met by ink-stained fingers and jumbled sentences caused by cramped keys.
In an ironic twist, KeySecure’s renewed privacy means hackers have been forced to hack their schedule instead, trying to guess when the pent-up rage from paper jams will cause someone’s keyboard—or typewriter—to fly across the room.
Meanwhile, the firm has reportedly received several offers from handwriting-for-hire companies and vintage office furniture collectors eager to collaborate on “the future of secure communications,” whatever that means.
At this rate, KeySecure may soon pioneer the “analog security renaissance,” proving once and for all that sometimes, the best cyber defense is no cyber defense at all—just good old-fashioned ribbons and a hefty supply of correction fluid.