In a jaw-dropping revelation bound to leave the scientific community buzzing, researchers at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) have confessed that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is, in reality, a hyper-advanced coffee machine designed to brew the perfect cup of espresso.

For years, the world stood in awe of the LHC, believing it to be the pinnacle of human achievement in particle physics. Supposedly, this colossal machine was designed to smash particles together at near-light speeds to discover the mysteries of the universe. But in truth, it’s been swirling espresso beans around so fast they almost form a black hole of caffeine.

Dr. Java Beaninski, the lead scientist on the Espresso Collider Initiative, spilled the beans during an unexpected press conference. “We haven’t been searching for the Higgs boson,” Dr. Beaninski admitted with a sheepish grin. “We’ve been striving for the perfect crema. And trust me, we’ve had more consistent success with that than with any elusive particles.”

For those scratching their heads over how the scientific world didn’t catch on earlier, it appears CERN’s use of highfalutin terms like “quark” and “muon” were just fancy nicknames for different brew types. “Muon” happens to describe a particularly rich blend of Colombian coffee, and a “quark” is a shot of espresso so strong it has its own gravitational field.

Puzzled journalists asked why CERN scientists chose to masquerade as particle physicists. Dr. Beaninski explained that the financial backers were easier to sway with the promise of groundbreaking science than with a kitchen appliance that competitive coffee shops achieved a long time ago. “We needed to justify the billions of euros. Coffee is serious business but, apparently, not serious enough!” he said.

But is it really a waste? Several staff members argue that a whole new dimension of coffee consumption has been uncovered. Baristas at CERN’s in-house café, Quantum Grounds, have reportedly been serving a cup of espresso described as tasting like “a robust supernova perfectly balanced with the gravity of a refreshing spring morning.”

With secret out of the bag, coffee aficionados from around the globe have started flocking to see the famed machine. Meanwhile, particle physicists are less than thrilled. “The whole ‘science’ detail seemed so promising,” lamented Dr. Neutrino Flatwhite, who has been recalibrating data from the experiments to adjust grind size rather than particle speed.

Rumors are brewing that CERN’s next venture could involve unveiling another monumental device—a flux capacitor doubling as a toaster—but representatives have declined further comments, leaving enthusiasts to sip on their infinitely satisfying espressos in suspense.