In a startling revelation that has sent shockwaves through the corridors of power, a high-ranking government bureaucrat has confessed that the entire operation of the state machinery is sustained by nothing more than copious amounts of caffeine and an uncanny run of good fortune.
During an afternoon briefing that quickly turned into an impromptu therapy session, Deputy Undersecretary of Very Important Papers, Nigel Folgers, candidly admitted, “Honestly, I have no idea how we’re still running. We thought we lost the national budget last week, only to find out it was holding up a desk in the break room.”
The confession came amidst growing concerns over country’s mismanagement of certain departments—most notably, the Ministry of Extremely Redundant Affairs and the Department for Indecipherable Acronyms (DIA).
Folgers shared that the daily routine in government offices resembles an Olympic-level coffee-drinking event more than it does a solemn civic duty. “My morning starts with an espresso the size of a small swimming pool. Then we spend about two hours debating whether Mondays should actually be a thing,” he said, adding, “From there, it’s all about praying our decisions don’t cause an international incident.”
At a recent cabinet meeting, officials found themselves stranded for over an hour in a heated debate over the best brand of thermal mugs, accidentally sidestepping discussions on national security issues. “Thermal mugs are pivotal,” Folgers explained, “if your coffee cools down, how else will you stay awake during international summits broadcast in a language that sounds suspiciously like white noise?”
When pressed about how such a flimsy operational modus operandi continues to sustain the government, Folgers shrugged, “We’re blessed with sheer dumb luck. Last month, someone accidentally signed off on world peace. We had no idea what it was doing in the agenda to begin with.”
Rumor has it that one of the government’s most successful policies—a national initiative to alphabetically organize something, details of which are still unknown—was the result of somebody tripping on the power cord, accidentally sending a push notification to the nation. “You’d be surprised how much accidental policy-making actually works,” noted Folgers.
The confession has sparked varying reactions nationwide. Some citizens expressed concerns at the lack of structured governance, while others have launched a crowdfunding campaign to ensure a steady supply of high-quality coffee beans sourced ethically from the lush hills of Somewhere Far Away.
Folgers concluded his expose with a touch of humor, “If it weren’t for caffeine jitters, half of us would fall asleep at our desks, or worse, accidentally vote on something that makes sense.”
In the end, this revelation may have inadvertently united a nation of caffeine lovers in grateful solidarity with their government. Their collective motto? “Espresso yourself, because the government sure is.”