In a twist of fate that has left the United Kingdom in disarray, reports have emerged that the nation has run out of teabags, triggering what experts are calling the largest biscuit-related crisis since the Great Digestive Shortage of 1947. Across the country, Britons are clutching their empty mugs in horror and desperately rifling through cupboards for those elusive spare packets of Earl Grey.
The chaos began early Monday when, unbeknownst to most, a shipload of premium Yorkshire Gold was mistakenly rerouted to a small island in the Caribbean. While the residents of Barbados have been enjoying the unexpected luxuries of British high tea, the UK’s teapot is quite literally running empty.
Without the comforting ritual of tea, biscuit consumption has hit record highs as people attempt to fill the void with hobnobs and custard creams. Supermarkets have been stripped bare, leaving only untouched shelves of suspicious American “chocolate chip cookies.” The biscuit aisle has become a battleground, with Biscoff hoarders fighting it out with rogue Jammie Dodger fans.
Realising the gravity of the situation, the government convened an emergency session in parliament. The Biscuit and Beverage Undersecretary, Lord Crumbleton Tea-Leaf, reassured the public in a statement outside 10 Downing Street, saying, “We are coordinating closely with international allies and biscuit manufacturers. If necessary, we will airdrop crates of teabags to the most affected areas.”
When questioned about the source of the disappearance, Lord Tea-Leaf speculated, “Some say it’s merely a logistical hiccup. Others operatively whisper of French espionage—a tactical strike by croissant-wielding operatives to destabilize our beloved tea time.”
The news has also inspired an unlikely hero in London. Brian Batterbee, a self-confessed inventor and man with far too much spare time, has developed a “Biscuit and Tea Substitute Simulator,” a virtual reality headset providing simulated sips of tea and the sensation of dunking your Rich Tea without the risk of mid-dunk disaster. While critics have panned it as “too wet,” Batterbee remains optimistic, charging £5 per 5-minute session and offering peak-hour queues for a fee.
Tesco has announced that they are rationing biscuits to two packets per customer until the tea crisis is resolved. Meanwhile, creative Britons have taken to social media to offer swap deals: “Will trade one box of Twinings Classic for 2 packs of McVitie’s. Serious enquirers only, no Lidl own brands.”
The unprecedented situation is predicted to continue until a shipment of fresh teabags arrives, escorted by the Royal Navy and a detachment of specially trained squirrel monkeys, by the end of the week. Until then, citizens are urged to hold fast, and above all, to not drop any crumbs on the stoic carpet of British resilience.