London, 25 August 2024 – In a move that has united humanity in a way not seen since the invention of cat memes, a global petition has been launched calling for the exile of the individual responsible for mass-tagging everyone in Facebook groups. The petition, which started as a joke among disgruntled social media users, has now gathered over 2 million signatures in just 48 hours.
The offending tagger, whose identity remains shrouded in mystery, reportedly thought it would be a great idea to @everyone in a 500,000-member Facebook group dedicated to artisanal bread baking. The result? A worldwide chorus of simultaneous phone pings, followed by a wave of mass hysteria not unlike that seen during Y2K.
“I was in the middle of a very important meeting when my phone started vibrating like it was possessed by the spirit of a hyperactive puppy,” said John Smith, a marketing executive from Manchester. “By the time I checked my phone, I had 99+ notifications, all because someone wanted to share their sourdough starter. Honestly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever recover.”
The petition’s creators argue that the punishment should fit the crime, proposing that the tagger be exiled to a remote island where they will be forced to communicate exclusively through smoke signals and carrier pigeons. “It’s only fair,” said the petition’s organizer, who requested anonymity out of fear of being tagged in future posts. “If you tag everyone, you should be prepared to face the consequences.”
The incident has sparked widespread debate about social media etiquette, with some experts suggesting that the misuse of the @everyone tag could lead to severe repercussions in the digital age. “It’s a clear breach of the unwritten laws of social media,” said Dr. Emily Click, a professor of Digital Anthropology at Oxford University. “The @everyone tag is a tool of great power, and with great power comes great responsibility. To misuse it is to play with fire.”
In response to the outcry, Facebook has issued a statement acknowledging the situation. “We understand the frustration caused by the misuse of the @everyone tag and are exploring options to prevent future incidents, including a potential ban on the feature for groups with more than 50 members. We encourage users to think twice before tagging, especially when it comes to large groups.”
Meanwhile, the person responsible for the mass tagging has yet to come forward, leading to speculation that they may be hiding out in a secure, tag-free location. Some believe they are holed up in a bunker somewhere with only their sourdough starter for company.
As the petition continues to gain traction, one thing is clear: the days of the @everyone tagger are numbered. And for the millions of Facebook users around the world, that can only be good news.
This article is brought to you by the Anti-Tagging League, dedicated to a world free from unnecessary notifications.