In a shocking turn of events that has left brunch enthusiasts around the world scrambling for their poached eggs, the humble avocado toast has been catapulted into the international spotlight. The World Health Organization (WHO) today released a report labeling the beloved millennial staple a “health hazard,” sending shockwaves through artisanal cafes and Instagram feeds alike.
The controversy erupted after a team of researchers in Geneva, clearly with too much time and funding at their disposal, determined that the combination of avocado and toast could lead to “excessive smugness and unwarranted feelings of nutritional superiority.” According to the report, these side effects manifest in an uncontrollable urge to lecture others on the virtues of healthy fats while wearing ethically sourced knitwear.
The unprecedented announcement was made during a dramatic press conference where WHO officials suggested caution, advising the public to limit their avocado toast consumption to no more than one slice per fortnight, or at least until the planet runs out of “organic sourdough.”
As anticipated, the news has caused quite the ripple effect. New Zealand, the world’s largest avocado exporter, has defiantly lashed out at the WHO, arguing that the only true hazard associated with avocado toast is “running out of it during peak brunch hours.” The country’s prime minister declared, “We reject any warnings against avocados. In fact, if you replace fear with guacamole, it would be a much tastier world.”
Across the pond in California, wellness influencers have responded with widespread disbelief. “I can’t live in a world where I don’t hashtag my breakfast,” lamented one teary-eyed lifestyle guru, who is reportedly organizing a protest rally entitled “Toast Without Borders.”
Meanwhile, international leaders are left in a sticky situation. Canada’s Prime Minister is calling for calm, recommending mediation and perhaps a pot of calming herbal tea. The United Kingdom has taken a more bureaucratic approach, suggesting a task force to evaluate whether switching to mashed beans on toast could restore breakfast harmony.
Despite the uproar, not everyone is mourning. The toast debacle has been met with glee by banana lovers, who wasted no time in launching a feverish campaign proclaiming the supreme health benefits of their beloved fruit. Using the hashtag #BananaRamaRevival, they hope to muscle in on the lucrative brunch market now left vacant by the green fruit’s misfortune.
In this moment of culinary crisis, the global community faces many pressing questions: Can marmalade fill the void? Are chickpeas preparing their rise to power through hummus? And most importantly, how will the trend-savvy navigate the tricky territory of avocado-alternatives without tripping over kale or quinoa?
As the world awaits the next update on this escalating saga, one thing is certain: the extraordinary tale of avocado toast will see us all through a dark morning yet—perhaps with a little less brunch excitement, but undoubtedly with more bacon.