In an unprecedented turn of events, an unforeseen avocado toast shortage has sent shockwaves through millennial communities worldwide, leading to widespread reports of existential crises and temporary withdrawals from Instagram. Across social media platforms, the hashtag #Guacpocalypse has trended as young adults grapple with brunch-less weekends and unmet food photo quotas.
The panic started last Saturday when artisan cafes in New York City and Los Angeles reported diminishing avocado reserves. With avocado toast being a staple of the millennial food pyramid—positioned squarely alongside cold brew coffee and moral superiority—many were left with the unthinkable dilemma of having to order something else off the brunch menu.
Public reactions have varied, but the dominant sentiment is clear: anxiety. “I walked into my usual cafe, and the barista told me they were out of avocados,” said an Instagram influencer known only as AvocadoElle. “I literally froze. I tried ordering a ‘smashed banana toast’ instead, but it’s simply not photogenic enough to post. What do they expect me to do, eat in private like a monster?”
Emergency hotlines have been set up in urban areas to assist those hardest hit by the shortage, but operators admit they’re struggling to keep up with the sheer volume of calls. “I’ve had to talk several callers down from sheer panic when they realized their OnlyFans content wouldn’t include their usual breakfast setups,” said hotline operator and part-time DJ, Mike “Sourdough” Sanders.
In response, several cities have declared a state of emergency and requested aid from neighboring regions. Washington, D.C. is reportedly in talks with Mexico about emergency imports, under a proposed trade deal dubbed “Operation Guac-line.” Meanwhile, California has allocated funds to explore avocados’ genetic modification in an attempt to cultivate them faster and more efficiently.
The secular church of avocado advocacy, known as the Guacamole Monastery, held a candlelit vigil in honor of their lost loves: smashed avocados, breakfast fulfillment, and balanced flavor profiles. A spokesperson proclaimed, “We are prepared to stand in unity with the toasts left un-avocadoed, and we shall support our millennial brethren in these dark, buttery times.”
To cope with the crisis, some millennials have shown resilience by attempting to innovate with other spreads. “I tried making toast with mashed chickpeas and calling it ‘Golden Gate Hummus,’” said Ethan, 29, a marketing strategist from San Francisco. “But honestly, it just doesn’t scratch the same itch. It’s like when you think you’ve spotted a hot new meme, but it turns out it’s just an old viral video wearing glasses and a fake mustache.”
As cities brace for the prolonged ramifications of the shortage, health experts remind everyone to remain calm, avoid panic-purchasing avocados on eBay, and continue living their best lives by diversifying breakfast options. So while it may not be the perfect solution, the hashtag #ToastTolerance is tentatively encouraging a new global viewpoint: avocado may leave us, but breakfast love is forever.