In a shocking interstellar press conference held just outside the Sea of Tranquillity, the Moon’s reigning extraterrestrial overlords announced their unexpected abdication, citing an unbearable cheese shortage as the primary reason for their celestial retreat.
The alien leader, a gelatinous being named Gl’orp, whose appearance has been likened to a lava lamp doing an impression of Elvis, begrudgingly addressed the gathering of interplanetary reporters, “For centuries, we have reveled in the delightful myth that the Moon was made of cheese, a notion we found quite charming when we first arrived. Alas, we recently discovered that the entire surface is disappointingly rock-solid and entirely lactose-free.”
Gl’orp continued, “Our entire plan was to run a sustainable cheese-based economy, relying on exporting fine Moon cheese, which, frankly, would have paired excellently with our Martian wine. Without cheese, our Moon headquarters is financially unviable. Plus, the lack of cheese is just a game-changer for our intergalactic fondue nights.”
As the alien collective packs their saucers, they leave behind an elite team of human scientists, who are tasked with solving this lunar cheese conundrum in hopes of enticing the aliens to return. Leading the team is famed dairy astronaut, Dr. Brie Cheddar, who commented, “This mission is truly a gouda opportunity for humans to show we can think outside the cracker box. Our hopes rest on genetically modified moon rock cows that can thrive in low-gravity conditions.”
The news has left Earthlings and conspiracy theorists spiraling into a celestial abyss of curiosity and camembert cravings. Some even blame this cheesy debacle on a recent surge in demand for charcuterie boards during lunar-themed Zoom parties.
In the aftermath of the abdication announcement, Earth’s beloved Moonshiners have expressed concern. “This will put a real dent in our branding. ‘Moonshine: Made Under Alien Supervision’ had such a nice ring to it,” lamented Shady Jones, an artisanal bootlegger with a penchant for bedazzling his stills.
Meanwhile, the Moon’s newly uninhabited cheese shortage quandary has sparked an unusual interest from Wisconsin, the self-proclaimed cheese capital of the world. A delegation from Wisconsin has been sent to the Moon to assess the potential of setting up interstellar trade routes to capitalize on this abundant cheese vacuum.
As the galaxy’s travelers prepare for a Moon devoid of its quirky rulers, whispers of other planets encouraging the aliens to seek refuge persist. Rumors suggest Jupiter’s Great Red Spot could become the next decked-out hotspot for our lactose-loving extraterrestrials.
In a departing statement filled with both gravity and gravy, Gl’orp concluded: “One small step for galactic diplomacy, one giant leap backwards for cheese enthusiasts everywhere. Remember, dear Earth friends, keep the cheese alive — not just in your fridges, but in your hearts.”
As the Moon’s alien cultivators jet off in search of a new, cheesier frontier, Earth is left pondering an ancient question: Is there really, truly, never enough cheese? Only time, and maybe a grant from the European Space Agency, will tell.