In an unexpected and out-of-this-world revelation, a spokesperson for the Intergalactic Committee of Cosmic Housekeeping (ICCH) appeared via hologram at an interstellar press conference yesterday. The spokesperson, a zany extraterrestrial named Glorbnak (pronouns: zib/zab), confirmed rumors that black holes were, indeed, purposefully designed intergalactic vacuum cleaners.
“Listen, we’re not proud of it, okay?” Glorbnak admitted, eyes blinking in an unsettling three-second cycle. “But things were getting messy. Have you ever tried living next to a rogue asteroid field? It’s like having a neighbor who collects 10,000 gnomes – aesthetically disastrous.”
Zib went on to explain that the Milky Way—and several other galaxies, for that matter—had become cluttered with cosmic debris, outdated space technology, and other forms of galactic trash. “You humans aren’t the only ones with a broken-down reputation,” Glorbnak said. “The Martians thought they were better off throwing away their old hover-crafts instead of selling them on Intergalactic eBay.”
According to Glorbnak, these cosmic hoovers were installed eons ago. “We should’ve put labels on them,” Glorbnak acknowledged with a sigh. “Had we foreseen curious civilizations poking and prodding them, we would’ve slapped a neon ‘Do Not Enter’ sign on each one. Lesson learned.”
When asked why the committee chose black holes—famously known for their all-consuming appetite—to do the job, Glorbnak explained that a more nuanced approach lacked pizzazz. “We considered large space dumpsters with unparalleled sorting technology, but there’s something invigorating about a swirling cosmic vortex.”
Predictably, some sections of Earth have not taken the news well. A spokesperson for the Flat Earth Society, who also believes space travel is a ‘Hollywood stunt,’ released a statement questioning the authenticity of black holes, categorizing them as “fake news.” Another group of enterprising Earthlings already set up an online petition titled “Stop Cosmic Vacuums: Let Space Be Messy.”
NASA responded to this interstellar bombshell with cautious optimism. “While we’re intrigued by this cosmic Marie Kondo approach,” said Dr. Elena Starspark, “we can’t entirely condone tossing planets like they’re leftover pizza.”
When asked about the risk of losing viable planets, Glorbnak reassured humanity with a bemused chuckle. “Don’t worry; we have a strict ‘no sentients allowed’ policy for black holes. Tragically, your on-hold satellite projects do not qualify.”
Before wrapping up the conference, Glorbnak addressed another persistent rumor and clarified, “While it may seem logical, pineapple-pizza was not our doing.” The holographic transmission ended with Glorbnak promising that the ICCH would reconsider the use of black holes, provided someone invents an equally dramatic alternative.
For those keen to get more involved with keeping space tidy, the ICCH has initiated a Galactic Volunteer Program. But before you sign up, remember: losing your keys in a black hole is their problem to solve, not yours.