In an unprecedented intergalactic incident, a delegation of aliens reportedly landed on Earth last Friday, demanding to speak directly with Earth’s “manager.” Clad in glimmering suits that looked suspiciously like they were designed by Giorgio Armani’s alien cousin, the extraterrestrial envoys expressed deep dissatisfaction with their latest “visit.”
The meeting occurred near a well-known fast-food chain in rural Idaho, where the aliens, having sampled Earth’s delicacies, apparently ordered a number four combo meal and found the “all-beef patty” distinctly suspicious. “We came to Earth expecting a culinary experience that matched its fifth-star galactic reviews,” complained Glortax, spokesperson for the visitors and an expert in sub-galactic Yelp strategizing. “But instead of divine beef, we have uncovered mysterious mixtures of plant and ambiguous origin meat.”
The martini-shaped spaceship, which doubled as an interstellar travelogue containing reviews written in alien hieroglyphs, had flagged Earth’s pyramids as a hot topic. What was assumed to be architectural genius by homo sapiens had been regarded by outer-worldly travelers as a series of mixed Yelp reviews left by cosmic tourists.
According to Zyrlo, a three-eyed cultural attaché, the pyramids originally served as an interstellar rest stop and transmission post. “Apparently, they were once filled with complimentary all-you-can-eat buffets, spa facilities, and beam-me-up services,” gestured Zyrlo with one of his revolving antennas. “Little did we know, they had become dusty and abandoned. Imagine our surprise when the pyramids had no valet parking, and the energy-filled sarcophagus was gone!”
As the visitors toured famous Earth sites, disappointments mounted. Stonehenge, believed by the aliens to be a high-end casino resort, turned out to be nothing more than an archaeological riddle built for sun-worshipping activities. “And don’t get us started on the Nazca Lines. We almost made a wrong turn to the Pegasus Nebula, thinking we hit an unmarked alien highway exit,” grumbled Glarf, their interstellar mapmaker.
Despite anxious inquiries about Earth’s return policy on less-than-stellar experiences, the aliens finished their trip with a surprisingly positive view of Earthlings themselves. “Humans are quite endearing in their earnestness,” remarked Zyrlo, now adorned with an “I ❤️ Earth” badge. “Their bizarre habit of altering their terrains—towns, nations, sometimes faces—for scenic selfies is admirable, if a bit confusing.”
Before leaving, the cosmic voyagers left a four-sun review regarding Earth’s atmospherical ambiance—“Occasional thunderstorms add a refreshing twist to otherwise predictable weather patterns.” However, they were quick to note the need for immediate WiFi upgrades. “Glaciers with better connectivity exist in the Andromeda quadrant,” commented Glortax.
As they prepared to depart, the aliens suggested that Earth’s management incorporate some changes for future visits. “Maybe introduce a galactic suggestion box,” mused Glortax. “And perhaps an interplanetary Groupon for pyramid entry wouldn’t hurt.”
With a cosmic swoosh, they left behind a promise to return, leaving Earth’s inhabitants to ponder whether alien needs and Yelp aspirations might one day align in harmonic convergence. Rumor has it, they left a gleaming piece of technology that moonlights as a humble Roomba for Earth’s manager to gaze upon in awe and confusion until next time.