In an unprecedented intergalactic press conference held just outside the orbit of Jupiter, representatives from the Interstellar Taxation and Revenue Authority (ITRA) announced that Earth has been tragically neglectful in settling its universal tax dues. According to the freshly disclosed cosmic accounts, our humble blue planet is up to its atmosphere in debt, totaling a staggering 7 billion Martian Credits.
The revelation came as a shock to many, particularly because most Earthlings were previously unaware that anything beyond their immediate solar system required any sort of financial allegiance. “We assumed the only unavoidable aspects of life were death, taxes, and the eventual rage-quitting of any software update,” commented local Earth accountant, Ethel Ledgerbottom.
The intergalactic body, which apparently formed sometime around the extinction of the trilobites, has apparently been sending friendly reminders through various celestial signals and crop circle pop-ups. Regina Andromeda, Chief Commissioner of ITRA, stated, “We’ve reached out using many forms – from crop circles to whispered galactic messages during New Year’s fireworks. Frankly, we’re puzzled as to how Earth has managed to miss all these communications.”
In lieu of these back taxes, the ITRA has proposed several payment options. Their favorite plan involves a bulk shipment of Earth’s most renowned export: reality television. Martians, it seems, are big fans of watching “The Only Way Is Essex.” However, they insist that a spin-off be filmed in the canals of Mars, tentatively titled “The Only Way Is Martians.” Alternatively, Earth could opt to pay its dues by offering up massive stocks of chocolate, a commodity that has stirred considerable interest across multiple nebulae.
Trying to maintain a diplomatic stance, Earth’s leaders are crafting a multi-pronged strategy to address this existential debt crisis. The United Nations has hastily convened an emergency meeting, with various members considering raising taxes on avocado toast, something that could potentially generate at least some of the required Martian Credits.
In response, local supermarkets have already seen a rush of concerned millennials bulk-buying avocados. “I’m not risking my brunch,” declared social media influencer Amber Toastington, refusing to allow an alien fiscal audit to disrupt her rich-tastebuds lifestyle.
Early discussions with the ITRA also proposed the incorporation of Earth within the wider framework of ‘Galactic Prime,’ a universal streaming service that spans the cosmos. This could provide the much-needed intergalactic subsidies to Earthlings in the form of galactic credits, with ad revenue generated from such crowd-pleasers as “Star Laws: Cosmic Court” and a new reboot of “Star Trek” that, finally, incorporates Vaudeville humor.
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are arguing that this is yet another tactic by Earth’s ruling reptilian elite trying to extort money to fund their secret space banana republic.
The ITRA spokesperson humorously assured humanity, “No worries, you have until the next comet showers before any penalty is imposed. But all late fees will be redirected to fuel intergalactic karaoke nights—mandatory, of course, for all cosmic-being staffers.”
For now, Earth might have to brace itself to avoid a universal credit rating downgrade, worse than daily bad hair days on Mercury. Just in case, maybe hold off on sending that last-minute complaint about parking tickets to the Milky Way’s Better Business Bureau.