In an unprecedented twist in intergalactic real estate, a coalition of extraterrestrial landlords, dubbed the “Cosmic Consortium,” has surfaced to demand overdue royalties for renting out the solar system to its celestial inhabitants. Among the multifaceted claims is the shocking inclusion of Earth as a planetary squatter, with threats of eviction looming ominously on the horizon.
The discovery came to light following what Earth scientists believed to be a routine radio signal. Spiraling into a communication frenzy, the signal turned out to be a past-due notice from the Consortium, written in what appeared to be a mix of binary code and very polite Klingon.
This revelation has set off a cosmic courtroom drama, staged somewhere in the Alpha Centauri System, featuring a star-studded lineup of celestial justices, including the hallowed Judges of the Andromeda Circuit and a particularly judicious black hole representing the proverbial long arm of the law.
According to the eviction notice, Earthlings owe approximately 4.6 trillion Galactic Groans in rental dues. For those unfamiliar, Galactic Groans are a currency noted for sounding exactly like the noises people make after reading their monthly credit card statements. The late fees alone could fund the construction of three Death Stars, breakfast not included.
Already, aliens from neighboring planets have taken to social media, particularly in the wildly popular app “Spacebook,” to share their disbelief and excitement about having official landlords. Mars was seen commenting, “About time these humans started paying up. They’ve been stealing my fashion look for too long—hello, red planet chic!” Meanwhile, Venus tantalizingly added, “If Earth gets evicted, I call dibs on their leftovers. Just imagine what I could do with a couple of oceans and unlimited fossil fuels!”
Back on Earth, authorities have reportedly convened to devise a strategy for appeasing the demanding landlords. NASA is sending a delegation armed with Earth samplers—cookies, coffee, and a mixtape featuring songs extolling planetary charm—as a gesture of goodwill. The mixtape, cleverly titled “Beats by Gaia,” includes hits from Queen’s “Under Pressure” and Bowie’s “Space Oddity.” Negotiators hope these time-honored tunes will strike an empathetic chord with the galaxy’s real estate moguls.
In a bid to placate worried nations, heads of state have turned to the UN, proposing a worldwide campaign to turn off more lights and reduce carbon footprints, hoping this will pocket some change towards the massive rent bill. “It’s all about sustainability,” said one unnamed eco-official, mistaking the alien claim for an environmentally driven crusade rather than, you know, unpaid rent. “And think of the increased tourism from aliens once we’re on good terms! Great for the economy.”
In individual news, conspiracy theorists across platforms have had field days, with memes of little green men clutching wads of cash, captioned: “ET Wants His Rent!” booming across Twitter, now renamed “X,” in a rebranding that Tesla’s CEO suggested would “fit the vibe.”
While we await further details on the next course of human action, one can’t help but wonder if our first direct contact involves a galactic property dispute. With any luck, we can sidestep eviction. Until then, be prepared to present Earth’s long-form lease agreement, just in case the Cosmic Consortium sends their next notice—hopefully hand-delivered by a UFO with an excellent sense of humor.