In an unprecedented intergalactic press conference held just outside the boundaries of the Milky Way, the United Confederation of Nebular Entities (UCNE) has identified Earth’s cows as the primary culprits behind the planet’s recent climate woes. Connected to the briefing through a quirky yet charming form of alien Zoom technology—which, for the record, involves too much slime for human comfort—journalists from Earth were stunned as the blame for climate change shifted from humans to the unsuspecting bovines.

The chief spokesperson for the UCNE, a gelatinous being known only as Zargathorp the Inconvenienced, expressed frustration at Earth’s inhabitants for continually pinning their ecological misjudgments on fossil fuels and aerosol cans. “For eons, we have observed these ruminant creatures,” Zargathorp announced, barely containing their interstellar patience, “emitting more methane into your atmosphere than the entirety of your hybrid vehicles have saved.”

In what has been described as a galactic ‘landmark demand,’ Zargathorp and their cohorts called for the immediate enforcement of a ‘Fart Tax’ on Earth’s cow population. This proposal, simple in their eyes, involves a nominal fee being collected for every cow flatulence occurrence, which, due to advanced space monitoring technology, won’t be just a bunch of hot air. “Our calculations show that this tax could not only mitigate climate change but also fund our ambitious plan to launch a musical adaptation about cows across the universe starring noted Earth actor, Sir Moo-rgan Freeman,” Zargathorp added, sucking an unidentifiable liquid through a straw with a disconcerting gurgle.

While environmental groups around the globe are still trying to figure out how exactly this extraterrestrial tax policy would be enforced, the reactions from Earth’s cows have been all but muted. In a rebuttal transmitted via infrared bellowing, a spokesperson for the Cow Union of Terrestrial Territories (CUTT) suggested that the alien assertion was, in fact, a smokescreen to justify their desire to consume the planet’s abundant supply of chocolate milk—a delicacy highly coveted in many quadrants of space.

As the cows plot their next move, world leaders find themselves in an udderly peculiar position. Already, a think tank is being established to explore innovative methods of flatulence management, with a leading scientist speculating that equipping cows with inflatable whoopee cushions could be the solution everyone’s hoping for.

In a brief but somewhat enlightening tweet war, an alien known as Xeylar42 responded to climate activist Greta Thunberg’s challenge to “show the data or buzz off,” with a meme of a cow-shaped UFO captioned “We’re Sirius. Mooove it!”

Should the demand for a Fart Tax be implemented, experts theorize it could generate a windfall so substantial that hefty plans are already underway to reveal a cow-themed amusement park, complete with methane-powered roller coasters. Until then, Earth’s citizens can only observe as their bovine friends potentially bring about an interstellar treaty by the mere power of their natural… talents.

So, as we gaze into the night sky pondering our existence and why anyone would need a musical about cows, one lesson becomes clear: never underestimate the diplomatic influence wielded by Earth’s most gassy creatures. And perhaps on the next cloudy night, some intergalactic pals might just whisper, “It was the cows all along.”