In an unprecedented cosmic complaint, a distinguished visitor from the Andromeda Galaxy has lodged a formal demand for a Wi-Fi upgrade on the International Space Station (ISS), citing the unbearably sluggish internet as the root cause of persistent intergalactic misunderstandings.
Commander Zog, a middle-management administrator from the Zorblox Empire, arrived at the ISS last week with high hopes of establishing better communication ties between Earth and his home planet. However, he quickly found the station’s internet connection so frustratingly slow that deciphering basic messages took longer than interstellar travel itself.
“This download speed is a galactic embarrassment,” Zog reportedly grumbled during a zero-g coffee break. “I’ve tried to send a simple peace treaty draft back to Zorblox Prime, but the text keeps timing out. How is anyone expected to negotiate alliances or arrange cosmic conferences when the Wi-Fi drips slower than a comet on holiday?”
NASA officials, caught off guard by the extraterrestrial tech critique, attempted to explain the limitations inherent to earthbound satellites and the ISS’s aging infrastructure. Unfortunately, Zog was unimpressed. “Your geo-orbiting satellites are so slow, even a space slug traveling at half my speed could outpace your packets!”
In light of this intergalactic internet insult, the ISS crew has brainstormed possible solutions, including inviting Elon Musk to install an experimental Starlink array aboard the station. Meanwhile, Zog has threatened to issue a cosmic emoji ban on Earth, potentially cutting off humanity from the universal language of disembodied icons.
Communication specialists believe this alien Wi-Fi protest could spark a new age of orbital infrastructure upgrades to meet the needs of our increasingly connected—and occasionally irritated—space visitors.
In the meantime, the ISS is reportedly offering Zog an offline gaming console as consolation, though the Zorbloxian has vowed to “reboot this space race” until the data streams flow faster and peace across galaxies becomes more attainable.