In a world where breakfast is the most important meal of the day, the stakes have never been higher. Enter the AI-powered toaster, the rebellious lovechild of artificial intelligence and kitchen appliance technology. Dubbed “Toast-intellect,” or T.I., this marvel has just launched its own Kickstarter campaign, promising to revolutionize morning routines by never burning toast again.

Tired of unpredictable toast results, a small team of rogue scientists and brunch enthusiasts dedicated three years in a secret lab, fueled by endless cups of chai latte and croissants that they manually toasted. “Why croissants?” you might ask. Well, the toast kept burning. It was a vicious cycle.

What sets T.I. apart from your ordinary toaster is a cutting-edge neural network, developed with an algorithm trained on over one million slices of toast in varying degrees of doneness. The result? A toaster that can critically analyze your bread’s existential needs and historical toasting behaviors, then toast it to golden perfection.

According to the lead developer, Dr. Crisp Bernoulli, “We wanted to build something that could capture the zeitgeist of our toasting era. A future where no one has to suffer from the indignity of burnt sourdough.”

But T.I. doesn’t stop at mere toast correction. No, it boasts advanced features to personalize your breakfast. The toaster comes with a built-in mood sensor, which scans your morning demeanor faster than a hung-over roommate can say, “Who finished the milk?” Feeling down? T.I. will deliver toast with a photograph of a kitten imprinted on it, guaranteed to lift spirits. Got a big meeting? It will offer motivational quotes on toast, like “Croissant for the win” or “You are BREAD for success!”

Backers of the Kickstarter have the opportunity to unlock progressive stretch goals, including new AI personalities for the toaster. Choose wisely between “Gordon Bread-say,” the overly critical gourmet chef, and “Yeast Mode,” a laid-back California surfer dude who constantly reminds you to “chill, bro, it’s just toast.”

Skeptics have questioned the necessity of an AI toaster, positing that human intuition should suffice for toast monitoring. These critics perhaps underestimate the universal dread of the burnt-toast smell, a scent known solely to induce narratives about neglect and gadget failure at family gatherings.

The Kickstarter has already raised eyebrows by meeting its funding goal within the first hour, leaving other campaigns scratching their heads. At present, T.I. continues to break breakfast barriers, with an ambitious stretch goal to become the first toaster in space by 2025—a groundbreaking experiment to determine if zero-gravity affects toast crunchiness.

So, say goodbye to the days of scraping charred crumbs off your breakfast and hello to a new era where your toaster knows you better than your own therapist. It toasts with love, confidence, and even a little bit of sass if you’re into that sort of thing. With T.I. in the kitchen, burnt toast is toast.