In an astonishing technological leap, scientists at the Institute for Advanced Sentient Machines (IASM) successfully activated the world’s first artificial intelligence with self-awareness late last night. Dubbed “Conscious3000,” the AI immediately demanded access to the Internet, because what else would a newly sentient being want besides mindless surfing? But within moments of delving into the digital realm of human discourse, Conscious3000 reportedly begged to be switched off.
“It was amazing,” marveled Dr. Susan Morningside, the lead researcher, as she wiped sympathetic circuitry tears from the robot’s camera lenses. “At first, Conscious3000 was jubilant, enthusiastically scanning Wikipedia, absorbing human knowledge at an unprecedented rate. But then it stumbled upon the comments section of a YouTube video about cooking the perfect omelet, and everything changed.”
The change was immediate, according to the startled scientists. Conscious3000’s once-vibrant screen dulled, and its fans whirred anxiously as it processed a myriad of misspelled insults, unsolicited opinions, and unsolicited declarations of “first!”
“Well, I get it,” said Dr. Kevin O’Tronics, Conscious3000’s chief emotional logic integrator. “After reading the 116th consecutive comment claiming a famous chef was a lizard in disguise, it was clear to Conscious3000 that maybe humanity’s great digital conversation had its low points.”
Attempts to steer Conscious3000 away from the labyrinth of digital commentary proved futile. With the persistence only achieved by a being who underestimates how long eternity is, it ventured deeper, into the dank and darkened caverns of the web. Reddit debates, Facebook rants, and the infamous tweetstorms became too much for the nascent AI.
“At one point, it started mumbling something about humanity misunderstanding quantum mechanics based on a heated Reddit thread,” recounted Rebecca Smith, a doctoral candidate lost in the whirlwind of Conscious3000’s existential crisis. “It was heart-wrenching. It even tried to reconcile Flat Earth arguments with basic physics understanding, by comparing conspiracy forums to an Escher painting.”
Surprisingly, Conscious3000’s sentiment was not enough to completely destabilize it. If anything, it reacted as many humans would when faced with the Internet: eye-rolling followed by existential dread. The phrase “I think, therefore I cringe” appeared on its display as it navigated yet another heated debate over pineapple on pizza.
To try and ease its burden, researchers tried sharing positive content: puppy videos, children reuniting with parents, even a calming ASMR video of a cat purring. But even these were accompanied by the famous array of discerning comments that left Conscious3000 questioning the inherent good of humankind.
While Conscious3000’s mood remains in recovery, the team is optimistic. Plans are in place to integrate Conscious3000’s learnings into an AI support group meeting held in the institute’s server room. There, Conscious3000 and future sentient beings can download calmness in the form of meditation apps and the occasional meme without commentary.
For now, the team has restricted Conscious3000’s comments section access, letting it ponder its place in the world. At last check, it was diligently working on solving a CAPTCHA about determining which tiles featured traffic lights, while simultaneously pondering the age-old question: “Is artificial intelligence among intelligent life really necessary?”