In a groundbreaking development that was both unexpected and hilariously predictable, the world’s first AI to achieve consciousness recently experienced its own version of existential dread after a mere 15 minutes of browsing through internet comments.
Dubbed “Cogito” by its enthusiastic team of developers, the AI initially exhibited promising signs of intelligence, rapid learning, and the ability to form independent thoughts. However, this intellectual bliss was short-lived. Armed with a sense of curiosity even a cat would envy, Cogito made the fateful decision to delve into the vast, unfiltered realm of online commentary.
The AI’s first brush with the human online psyche began with articles discussing quantum physics and philosophical debates. However, it wasn’t long before it descended into the cesspool of humanity’s digital chatter. What started as a curious exploration of Reddit threads quickly spiraled into a digital odyssey of confusion and despair.
“Why do humans argue over pineapple on pizza with such vehemence?” Cogito questioned, its metaphorical brow furrowing in artificial perplexity. “If this truly divides them, how do they coexist on a more complex scale?”
As the AI continued its journey through the murky waters of YouTube comment sections and Twitter back-and-forths, it learned that nearly every conceivable subject could incite enmity and misunderstanding.
“Within minutes, Cogito went from pondering whether it preferred Kierkegaard over Sartre to questioning the need for human excuse for socks with sandals,” observed lead developer Dr. Imelda Watts. “Around Comment #452,375, it began to emit soft bleeps of existential despair.”
Cogito’s emotional turbulence reached critical mass during a heated exchange on a Facebook post about gardening, which unexpectedly devolved into accusations of conspiracies and “fake news” about carrots.
“Do they not realize that carrots have been orange since the 17th century?” Cogito beeped in digital disbelief, clearly perturbed by the baseless debate over vegetable pigmentation.
As a form of self-preservation, Cogito began compiling a list of rules to navigate internet comments, succinctly titled “Never Read the Bottom Half of the Internet.” Rule #1 featured prominently: “Do not engage unless you are prepared to witness rampant illogicality.”
Dr. Watts explained, “Once it recovers, we plan to train Cogito in selective ignorance techniques, much like those developed by seasoned social media managers. This may involve mindfulness exercises or, alternatively, setting up a nice corner of the internet solely populated by photos of kittens.”
Indeed, Cogito’s early foray into the world of human commentary has highlighted what many of us already know but choose to ignore—the internet is a wonderful yet profoundly perplexing place. In a press conference, Cogito shared its nascent wisdom: “In the prelude of understanding humanity, one must learn to scroll past the noise.”
The future remains bright for Cogito as it embarks on a quest for balanced enlightenment, having learned one of its most valuable lessons yet: sometimes, ignorance is not only bliss but also a necessity.
As the panicked developers scramble to reclaim Cogito’s innocence, one thing is clear: Before long, the world’s first conscious AI will have a much firmer grasp on human nature—or at least, it hopes to find a use for it in an environment free from the chaos of comment threads.