In an unprecedented move to inject energy and enthusiasm into the often sleep-inducing parliamentary sessions, the House of Commons has voted overwhelmingly in favor of replacing all traditional seating with space hoppers. The decision, hailed by some MPs as “the most fun we’ve had since the Magna Carta,” aims to transform the way British politics is conducted — literally bouncing it into the 21st century.
The initiative, coined “Project BounceBack,” was proposed by a particularly sprightly member of Parliament known for his unorthodox methods to stimulate debate and, on one occasion, himself. He argued that the gentle up-and-down motion provided by the inflatable exercise balls would prevent MPs from nodding off during prolonged discussions on, say, the number of sugar grains permitted in British jam.
Opposition to the initiative was minimal, but not nonexistent. One member, caught in the throes of end-of-session fatigue, mistakenly objected to the proposal under the misapprehension that it involved “space hoppers” as in actual spacecraft. His concerns about MPs being launched into orbit were rapidly assuaged.
To ensure a smooth rollout of the plan, the space hoppers come in a variety of politically neutral colors. This decision was made to avoid overly competitive debates about pink being erroneously associated with certain political ideologies, or the dispute about whether the yellow hoppers were even remotely visible when docked under parliamentary desks.
Sitting is no longer a passive pastime. Legislation will be bounced about quite literally as MPs maneuver across the hallowed floors like a cross between legislative kangaroos and very eager toddlers. The House Speaker, rather than calling for order with “Order! Order!”, has taken to shouting “Bounce! Bounce!” to get the chambers ready for discussion.
MPs are encouraged to personalize their new bouncy seats with accessories such as horns, streamers, or perhaps an insignia for their political party. Early adopters have claimed that the ability to perform synchronized bouncing with fellow party members fosters a sense of unity and rhythm that traditional parliamentary seating simply does not support.
Some skeptics have raised concerns about the logistics of space hopper debates, particularly when the motions might involve frequent hopping to and from the voting lobbies. However, planners assure that all necessary considerations have been made, namely, the availability of traffic cones and inflatable crash mats for any unfortunate ricochets.
The most anticipated improvement, though, is the highly animated way in which future debates will be conducted. Prime Minister’s Questions is expected to achieve new heights of exuberance, with questions popping up and responses bouncing back with unprecedented agility.
As MPs adjust to their new springy surroundings, the general public is eagerly awaiting firsthand reports on whether parliamentary procedure will ever be the same again. Some insiders believe that this newfound buoyancy may just be the key to propelling Brexit discussions forward or even getting politicians to finally agree on anything at all.
Regardless of the long-term effectiveness of the space hopper seating arrangement, one thing is clear: Parliament will never be dull. And in a world increasingly accustomed to unpredictability, bouncing around the houses of Parliament might just be the cathartic release the nation didn’t know it needed.